Am I enough?

Again, I am learning something new or more advanced at 70+.

 

 Is it because I feel bored? 

Is there some kind of expectation that because I am Cis Ahearn, that I will finally find something other than nursing that I am successful at?

Have I not met my purpose by being a nurse for 50+ years, traveling all over the world, doing most outdoor snow sports, working out at some of the most amazing health clubs in the USA, been at yoga since I was 21, and on and on? 

Who am I trying to please?

 Who am I trying to impress? 

Retiring and the following 4 years, while interesting, was mostly a disaster with my funds. I can't lie, I followed a few rabbits down a few holes. Bad holes. But, I keep getting up, brushing off my butt or my knees and taking off again. The most important thoughts about this have been about gratitude. It is how I managed.

I mean, who am I to complain? I have a roof over my head, I live in my dream location. I have food in my fridge and cabinets. Warm water to shower in. I have clothing for winter weather. A car. Gasoline in my tank. And so much more. I believe I have enough.  

My rules about this may be the challenge. 

Is having "enough" enough? 

Maybe I hold the bar too low. Maybe if I was a person who thought they needed more of everything, I might have more....of everything. 

Somewhere I learned that I never had enough. That I was never enough. And I will grant you, that value came from me. I fought hard, I put up with a lot of criticism, complaints and negative feedback on who I was supposed to be vs who I wanted to be. But, especially with family, it  and I were never enough. Not a doctor, not married,  not a book producer, not enough. 

So to keep my head above water, I did a lot!! I kept in perpetual motion. I travelled, I moved for jobs in all sorts of places. I drove cross-country over 15 times. I met so many people who typically, I would pick their brains, "what makes you tick", "what makes you so successful" and so many more questions all to prove to myself I wasn't enough and that the answers are out there, I just need to ask the right person the right question and I would be enough.

I have had times where I did have "everything". I great job (many actually), money in the bank and in an 401K, a home, clothes, trips, cars, and I was happy mostly. Maybe I didn't appreciate it enough. I know I was grateful for the gifts. I was grateful for the experiences-good and not so good. But, was I enough?

I even taped the words, "I Am Enough!" over my bed in a little attic room I rented one a month vacation I took to Steamboat Springs. I had started a new training, "Robbins-Madanas Training" on strategic Intervention and Life Coaching. I had already spent 8 years in the Tony Robbins environment as a participant, volunteer and Senior Leader. I was still asking questions and still not enough.

I think somewhere deep inside me, there is some little thing someone said or did that is buried like a burr in my soul, saying "you will never amout to anything". I remember where those words came from. 

How could I after all these years give any power to them, considering where they came from? That barbed arrow went deep. But, is it true? 

Am I enough? 

And according to who's rules?

 Does feeling 'not enough' explain my lack of follow through, my lack of financial stability, my lack of self worth? 

I can't say it is a result of not searching for answers, I have been on the hunt for decades. 

Therapy, coaching, time alone in the wild, on the road, on the beach. 

I require down time, I always have and it helps to ground me for sure! 

But, has it answered the question for me? 

Has it unplugged the barb?

 Am I enough?

https://bit.ly/CisAhearn

Serious as a Hang Grenade (or a Heart Attack)

                               

                       

       When is enough enough? 

I am almost 70 years old and I am still learning and growing my boundaries. I find it difficult to create boundaries as a woman even today because the absolute feminine in us as women says “be nice”, “she/he’s just having a bad day” for the hundredth, maybe thousandth  time. And do it now. Don’t wait-they might die before you figure it out.

 I've been thinking about what motivated me to change my boundaries in the past.

Most importantly, I did not want the pain of it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be open to finding a better way to deal. And I wanted to grow. Being who I was when I was “bad” wasn’t fun or pretty or respected. My family history leaned toward mean and toxic arguing.

So I dove in. I read books on anger, codependency, NLP and so much more. I attended seminars, groups, therapy, coaching, retreats, certification programs, gobbling up information and understanding of what my feelings were and what they were doing to me and the world around me.

I had been such a sucker for a sad story (someone else's story). And I found that I drew women to me who wanted my new and emerging power and strength for themselves. Only they did not want to do the work. And soon the energy and joy was being sucked right out of me. Their attrations was their need for me and it was draining.

Tony would say, “who you hang out with is who you become”. I am an introvert, it was a challenge for me to hang out with women who were more powerful and aware than I. But, I did it anyway. In their circle of light, I began to find my way to my own. And many of the friends who taught me what I did not want soon found their way to their own path, or back to the search for the “right” teacher.

The incredible pull between  “do what is right for me” and “be kind, understanding, forgiving to toxic behavior” is strong. So strong that it has affected my health. 

I had an ER visit yesterday. I was sitting in on a staff meeting, totally awesome  leadership when I suddenly started to feel off. I was feeling some discomfort in my chest and I was burping alot. I drank water and the discomfort would return in about 5 minutes. I started to feel light headed and nauseous and SCARED. I asked a co-worker to take my blood pressure and it was SKY HIGH!! I check my b/p weekly or more because I am on meds for it.

 I instantly started to cry. 

“Not now, not this ( a heart attack?), I have errands to do today!!!” My friend said, “why don’t we walk down to the ER and see what’s going on”.  I was falling apart.

After I was settled in and tests were being done I asked the PA, “what would cause this sudden increase (since there were no signs of any heart attack) and he said, “stress”.  I thought, “I am not stressed, I work part time, I do yoga, I love my abode, my cat, the ferals, my life in the country. I don’t have any stress!” 

Then, I got home. I had a text and I realized, “OH MY GODDESS! This is what it’s about!” So, I spent some more time thinking about this toxic situation that I was trying to understand and move through. 

I want to do the right thing. But for whom!?!?!?!? I have to figure out a way to rewrite the story because the blood pressure thing is as real as a hand grenade (or a heart attack)! I knew when this toxic event was going on that I was feeling it at a level I did not want in my life. And I felt okay after, yet it was there waiting for the best moment to show up -somewhere where I was safe, at work, near the ER. 

By choosing me, I am honoring my boundaries that took me so many years to understand and appreciate. I will always help others but I will not carry them.  I am not responsible for their life choices, their past. I am not a punching bag. I may not be perfect, but I am honorable and worthy of respect. So I choose me. For now, I am choosing present moments as though today is my only day. I am loving the people who love, respect and honor who I am as I will do the same for them. 

                                                              I chose me.

Reflections in their eyes-Ageless Strength comes from Us

 

We are always talking about what it takes to be 'healthy'. As ageless women, we still carry the expectation that we must be buff, beautiful, fit, an elder athlete. We celebrate when we see this in octogenarians running a marathon, biking in the Alps, and so on. I used to think that I would always be athletic. I had a passion for working out, biking, running, snow sports, swimming and yoga from as far back as I can remember.

 The benefit wasn't just being 'healthy' it was how I learned to deal with stress, anger, disappointment and depression. I needed help with those things when I was younger.

 For many years, I worked out in a club 3-5 days a week. I would ride my bike in between or I'd run. As a Traveler, it was how I got to know whatever new city I was working in. I always found a club to work out it and at the worst, bike paths and running paths. I was also driven by the unspoken demands of  a society that said, 'you are not enough, be more'. 

I don't regret the drive to be all that, I just don't miss it much. I see women running or biking and I literally can feel what it felt like, as though I am them. I feel the pull in my quads, the deep breathing, the internal focus, my abs. But, I do not miss it. And I give up beating myself up for it everyday I don't run or ride or work out. We are allowed our phases in life. When we say, "I have done it all", at this age, we have. Our years were not wasted. Our lives as Boomers were learning years. In order to navigate the world of change, we were forced (chose) to grow. To be dramatically different than the lives of our Mothers, at least, that is what we thought. 

Whether we were single, married, divorced, widowed, childless, mothers, we are women of change, of great value and wisdom. If we were given a chance to look back at each year of our earlier lives, there would be a lesson (or five) that we learned by choice or otherwise each year. 

We are here today to recognize the wisdom of the millions of lessons we have learned including the ones we don't give ourselves credit for. And to let go, let loose the hold that these lessons( old beliefs, regrets, resentments) have on us and open up to a more meaningful golden age life.

We are here to be sages, mentors, teachers, coaches for the generations of women who came into this world of confusion, paradoxes and controls. We must stand up and say what we know to be true with confidence. Not just to our daugthers, but to all young women. 

I'll share a story. Many years ago a friend called me from the bathroom of a labor and delivery unit. She was so upset, her youngest daugther was have a baby and she did not know what to do. I said to her, "Look in the mirror, pal. This is the face you are sharing with her right now. The face she needs to see is the warrior women, the natural birth mom. She is looking to you for strength,not fear reflected back." She said two words, "Got it!" We have the strength. It is in all of us!!!

So the next time you feel yourself withdraw, when what you really want to do is step up, do it! There is an incredible power within you to rise up and stand tall. Use it. "Be the change you wish to see." 

They are not looking for their own reflection in our eyes, they are looking for the strength in yours. 

We Teach to Learn

 

One of the greatest lessons from the Course in Miracles  is that to teach is to learn and the other way around. I have learned that every situation, good, bad, ugly is a lesson. The work is whether or not you get it. The lesson does not have to be some huge AHA moment or a humbling experience, it has to be an opportunity to grow. Growth is movement. And it the middle of this movement is forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves as well as others. Forgiving ourselves for not seeing things more clearly, for not deciding differently, for putting up with stuff our sane mind would never tolerate, for not being stronger and so much more. We are hardest on ourselves. Forgiveness for not recognizing our own grace!! Compared to that, forgiving others is, well, interesting.

How do we do this? As in the Wizard of Oz, you must have brain, a heart, courage and a desire to go home. 

People are not just their actions, they have a long history of life behind them that has shaped their decisions, behaviors, even their bodies. And, sometimes, we do not get to understand   WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. Another great lesson for me. 

"Why?" "Why not?" "Why would they do that?" The questions go on and on. The Book says that this is the Ego talking, creating doubt, gaslighting you. Now ,mind you, the Ego has its place but in today's society it has run rampant and out of control and it kills. People, hopes, dreams, families. So, it does take a little work and Faith to calm it down and see the Truth before you. 

I never believed that newborns were born "dumb". I looked into the eyes of enough babies in my 26 years in Labor and Delivery to know that there is something magnetic about those eyes. When you are born with a brain that is one third your body weight, it can not be completely empty and there is plenty of research to support that now. They're  a juicy sponge, they hear clearly, they have a powerful smell receptor, they can sense movement, they can quickly learn to communicate, they dream. This was always a mystery to me while holding a newborn, their body  twitch, their eyes  move under their lids,  their lips  move. I would wonder, WHAT ARE THEY DREAMING? They have been in a warm dark womb for nine months!!!! Are they remembering comversation that happened while they were inside? Are they remembering a past life? Why?

So it is in life we learn to shut down our hearts as though this is the only way to get through stuff. And the key here is that we do get through it. For some it seems impossible and others they tuck away the disappointment and pain. Some just get up and say, NEXT! There are so many options for this. It is important to remember that each event, each tragic moment , each loss offers you a gift, a learning. It may take a bit to see this but when you look back it comes to you. The look of love on your spouses face the moment your first child is born,  a celebrated birthday, intimacy, sharing an ice cream together, buying your first home. All are what makes up the tapestry of your lifetime together-long or short. And that is what your lesson is. Not the behavior or the decisions made in the end. Why hold on to that? Why not hold on to the good and great that occurred on the journey? 

It is a learning. To stop the negative self talk and  try a little tenderness. For yourself. Think of one of those magic moments and be grateful for it. Recognize what you are fearing, and, talk about it. Get it in the open, write it down and learn to forgive it and let it go. Tiny steps for inner peace. Follow the movement of the trees as the breeze blows through. Focus on a hummingbird and the miraculousness of its movements. Love on an animal. Talk with someone and listen. Tiny steps to peace and freedom and harmony. Be present for someone. Be the lesson you want to share.
Be the Love you wish to see.

Fear and the Committee of Monkeys

I was reviewing my old posts and found one labelled, "Fear". When I opened it, I found that it was blank. Ya gotta love that!

I have so little fear anymore. I have faith. I have faith because all that fear and worry brought me nothing. I am not talking about the fear when hair on the back of your neck stands up or when your inner being says, "this is not right, step away", I am talking about all the fear created in falsehood by the ego. The fear that serves nothing. The fear of things we have no control over (even if we wish we did), fear of future events that may or may not happen, fear of a giant meteor crashing into the surface of the earth. Fear is the retardant of presence. Let me repeat that, FEAR IS THE RETARDANT OF PRESENCE.

We cannot practice presence while in a state of fear. Anxiety disorder is the inability to be present and the Ego's fine job of  broadcasting every little fear you may have ever had or may ever have in the future. Anxiety disorder is a result of not learning or being taught how to cope with ego mind.
I used to call it my committee of monkeys when I finally figured out that it was in my head. Oh the ego had a blast with me. I had the critic monkey, the bitch monkey, the doubt monkey, the monkey of unworthiness, the monkey of successful failure. I began to see them as little goblins on my shoulders, one on one side saying "oh, that was stupid" and the other side "who'd believe you".  Fear was pretty rampant and my steps back then were small, oh let me be truthful, they were teeny, tiny.  The funny thing is when I began to see the fear monkeys on my shoulders, they didn't have as much control of over my head. Some days I could just flick them off. And the more I flicked them off, the less they spoke negatively. Pretty soon there were only one or two of them and they were easy to control.
My mind started to get quiet. I started to meditate for short periods of time. I'd sit on the beach and just get quiet by listening to the birds and waves and smelling the water and feeling the breeze and the sand. When I concentrated on those things my mind relaxed. I felt immeasurably  more peaceful. Even my body relaxed. The committee started saying things like, "wow, this is so sweet". Yep, they began to enjoy this as well. And their language changed. The words they said were words of kindness and encouragement.

With practice I took this exercise everywhere in nature. I meditated on mountain ridges, snowy hillsides, in the woods, while snorkeling and scuba diving (just the getting quiet part), on road trips, sitting in front of the fire, standing in the rain and I welcomed the presence of the world/universe/God into my being. Rare is it that monkeys of old show up. By being present I have diminished the negative power of the ego. It is still there and works to remind me when I am in a negative place. But it no longer controls my thoughts. Fears worthiness in its proper place; there to protect me not consume me.

It just has to be said.....

In the midst of all this chaos, I am happy. It comes from many directions, but it does not matter. I am happy. People  do not have to like my decisions, my values, my integrity, I am still happy. I am expanding.  I love my life! I am outgrowing all the deception. I have a choice, I can and do love life and me. I reject, move away from all negative crap that is thrown my way. I say, "Nope, not my circus, not my monkey". I know who I am. And who I am is good, really good. No one can ever take that away from me. I earned the right to be the amazing person I have been since I was born. She is out and rising. So, if this doesn't work for you, move on; many have. But if you are ready to fly, to blast, to explode like a new born star; step up. Just not going to crawl anymore. So, fly with me. Or stand on the sidelines and watch, but get the fuck out of the way!

Beliefs and Decisions

"No Belief is neutral. Every one has the power to dictate each decision we make. For a decision is a conclusion based on everything that we believe." ACIM

Thoughts come from our beliefs. When we think, "she is...., or, he should..." we base that thought on a belief created by our ego. At some point in our lives this belief may have appeared to protect us and, yet, we carry it into many situations. It may be a belief created in our peer group.

As I child I was bit by a dog, I was in the fourth grade. I believed for many years that all dogs were biters and so I stayed clear of them. I did not trust even the best of dogs for fear that they would turn on me and bite me unprevoked. Today I know differently and have loved many dogs belonging to friends (I became a cat person as a result of this belief) and I feel a kindred spirit to most dogs I meet. They are all creatures of God and with love become friends to all and devotees to their owners.

"Men are all the same". This is a truth as we are all the same inside. We all have a light within us that is flowing from God that is a likeness to one another. We may have beliefs to the contrary, such as, "I attract men that always leave me", or "You can't trust men". These are beliefs we created at some point in out lives based on our experiences and rather than look to the light in them (and letting them go) we assume "all men are alike". The problem resides outside ourselves, we think. It's him/her. The truth is, it is a belief we created. Not all men are alike, some are tall, some are dark haired, some have beards, some are thinkers, some are doers, some exercise, some are readers, yet at their core there is a child of God, born into this world to love and be loved. Many are in our lives to help us to learn how to love and be loved. Some are here to teach us to love ourselves. And this applies to all our relationships.

Beliefs can and do change in time. Who we are at our core never changes. What surprises us often is the unrecognized beliefs we have. Those are the ones that come unasked for. Those are the ones that come as secrets, "where the results of conflict are kept unknown and never brought  to reason."ACIM   We don't know (or acknowledge) why we are angry, hurt, shamed, or feel attacked. But the ego does and it is kept a secret until we bring it to light. We ask, "Why is this happening to me? "or "What did I do wrong?". And that may be as far as we are willing to explore.

Conflict has no resolution, it is the egos way to keep us from looking in. It is the secret enemy of peace. It is your choice to attack rather than to love. It makes us righteous, indignant, closed, even violent. And it solves nothing other than to create separation from our fellow humans, and from the nature of God. We war outloud, we war inside ourselves and for what? It is insane to think that this state of conflict can bring anything but suffering. And we must recognise that it is a choice we make. Therefore, we can chose another.

It is when we are willing to look deeper and examine these choices, through coaching, meditating and the many other opportunities to dig deep,  that the answers appear and can be released and peace can abide in your heart and your life. Whether you take small steps or leaps of Faith, there is peace to be found. Profound and lasting peace. And once found yours to share through love and kindness and understanding.

When conflict happens, when a belief shows and you are lost as to why it appears, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What is really going on here?
• How can I see this differently?
• What is my belief that makes me think this?
• How can I appreciate this situation in truth?
• What am I willing to learn from this?
• How can I love beyond this moment?

Examine the color green today.

 Appreciate the many shades of it. It is of God and in you. 

Enjoy the Vertical Flow!

Love and Light!

Anger, Guilt and the Bag of Rocks

In the Course in Miracles it says, "All anger is nothing more than an attempt to make someone else feel guilty..." This is such a powerful statement!  It makes so much sense! Because I know it is true for me, I know when I am angry I am looking for someone else to be responsible for it. "Guilty as charged! It's because of you I'm feeling this way." REALLY!?!?!? I once actually believed that what someone said or did had the effect of controlling how I felt. I even gave them permission to control me by not owning my own ability to chose how to say no. As a women, I'd say I chose to play small. Now this. This whole idea of the relationship between anger and guilt is mind boggling! And yet.....?

I have always wanted to understand what anger is all about. I used to have this post card back in the late 70's that said, "So much time is wasted being angry". I loved it although I did not really understand it yet. Anger is the fire in my belly feeling that gets our juices stirred up. Anger was these huge bursts of energy releasing all this pent up frustration from the woes and resentments of my life. I wanted to hang on to it fiercely. And it was almost always followed by tears of rage and injustice. And many times guilt. My own guilt, I thought. Guilt for "losing control", for going "bitch" on someone. Huge guilt about expressing my inner thoughts in an outward, totally chaotic way. And that, of course, was followed by shame. Shame for "not holding it together, not being strong", according to someone else's rules. When I was old enough to take it outside, I'd go to the beach at night and rage out loud. I'd rage in my car. And in the end I'd feel the quilt and shame as though I did not have the right to express it. And I'd simmer down and go back to life. And I'd still be holding on it.
 I can remember a cold and stormy winter night after my mom died, standing out in the snow screaming at God and raging about the things that were happening and finally falling to my knees and saying to the Universe,"Help me, help me find my way through this. Help me to understand. I surrender."  The storm raged on and I got up and went inside. I felt quiet. I slept through the night for the first time in months. Something in me had shifted. The weight of my anger just wasn't there anymore. I was open and willing to explore now. Within days, I was introduced to the Course in Miracles.

Anger is of the ego. It is the ego's number one tool to control us. Some of us respond to our inconsiderate past with anger. We feel we have a right to be angry, "how could he do this, why doesn't he admit that...., why doesn't she listen..." and we set these high (and I mean HIGH) standards for what we believe to be the "right" way that someone in our past should have behaved. We hang on because we believe that we must understand it and we don't. Some times, we don't get to understand why people do the things they do. So how long should we hang on to it?  We tell people we have a righteous right to our anger and we hang on to the story for dear life. In the big picture, we must ask ourselves, "How does this clinging to the past injustices and anger serve me?" And even more interesting, "How does it serve the greater good?" 

More than likely, most of us deep down want to know, "How do I get past this?" If you are asking this question, you are on the path of truth. And the easiest, and most valuable way to do this is to learn to forgive. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do". Forgiveness is the way to a deeper Love within ourselves. Love leads us to peace and ultimately, understanding.  It is the healing art of God.

Each and everyone of us screws up to some degree in someone's eyes-most often, our own. And we have this delusion that we might have done it differently. But we didn't and that's a fact. Not good, not bad, just is. Some days, I say to myself, "I forgive me for not forgiving myself earlier on this one". Something comes up and I think, "Why am I even thinking about this, it happened years ago." The answer is, we are a work in progress and in order to live a full life we must move beyond the old stuff. That means letting go of the feelings and negative thoughts we have about something in the past that can not be changed. We must make room for the good stuff coming our way. So when anger shows up, it is just another opportunity to look more closely at the lessons there and to release and move on. It is not to say that all anger is not appropriate, it is to say that if you are holding on after more than a few hours, it is a waste of your energy and heart space. Richard Bach said, again, back in the 70's in his book Johnathan Livingston Seagull, "Every problems has a gift for you in its hands". Look for the gift in your anger and let it go.

I often refer to our 'stuff' as the bag of rocks we carry around with us. Like an old coal miner with his bag of dirty coal over his shoulder, we carry our old stuff around until we decide to let it go. I say, every once in a while, put that bag down and pull out one of those rocks (grievance, resentment, grudge, blame or the story you wrap around it) and take a good look at it. Define the real issue with it, ask yourself if it's worth all the pain you have bestowed on it, or  the years of misery. It's a rock and thrown hard enough can cause pain, yet, right now it is just a rock in your hand that once hurt you. It has no power over you anymore except the power you give it. Get rid of it, bury it in your back yard, throw it across the fence, add it to your garden decor, but let it go. And if this seems to be too much for you, ask those questions, "How is this rock (anger, resentment, story) serving me?"  Create a ceremony if you want, say a prayer of release and send it into a lake, river or ocean. Bless it, throw it and then sit back and see how much room you have made in your heart for the light of love to enter. And it will come. Your heart is meant to be filled with Love. It is your divine right. When you open your heart to it, you will see it everywhere. Love is all around you.

Pick an issue that you choose to feel angry about, be it a work related issue, a family issue, how someone spoke to you, anything that causes you to feel anger, resentment, shame , guilt, or pain.

Think about these questions:

• How long have I been carrying this?
• Who is really guilty here? And why?
• What is really important about this situation for me that keeps it so present?
• How does holding on to this event, anger, story help me today?
• If I could feel any other way, how would I choose to feel about it?
• Is there any way I could change what happened in the past?
• What would happen if I silently ask for guidance to forgive the situation?
• When will I decide that now is a good time to let it go forever?
• Do I need to be angry or can I chose peace instead?