Serious as a Hang Grenade (or a Heart Attack)

                               

                       

       When is enough enough? 

I am almost 70 years old and I am still learning and growing my boundaries. I find it difficult to create boundaries as a woman even today because the absolute feminine in us as women says “be nice”, “she/he’s just having a bad day” for the hundredth, maybe thousandth  time. And do it now. Don’t wait-they might die before you figure it out.

 I've been thinking about what motivated me to change my boundaries in the past.

Most importantly, I did not want the pain of it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be open to finding a better way to deal. And I wanted to grow. Being who I was when I was “bad” wasn’t fun or pretty or respected. My family history leaned toward mean and toxic arguing.

So I dove in. I read books on anger, codependency, NLP and so much more. I attended seminars, groups, therapy, coaching, retreats, certification programs, gobbling up information and understanding of what my feelings were and what they were doing to me and the world around me.

I had been such a sucker for a sad story (someone else's story). And I found that I drew women to me who wanted my new and emerging power and strength for themselves. Only they did not want to do the work. And soon the energy and joy was being sucked right out of me. Their attrations was their need for me and it was draining.

Tony would say, “who you hang out with is who you become”. I am an introvert, it was a challenge for me to hang out with women who were more powerful and aware than I. But, I did it anyway. In their circle of light, I began to find my way to my own. And many of the friends who taught me what I did not want soon found their way to their own path, or back to the search for the “right” teacher.

The incredible pull between  “do what is right for me” and “be kind, understanding, forgiving to toxic behavior” is strong. So strong that it has affected my health. 

I had an ER visit yesterday. I was sitting in on a staff meeting, totally awesome  leadership when I suddenly started to feel off. I was feeling some discomfort in my chest and I was burping alot. I drank water and the discomfort would return in about 5 minutes. I started to feel light headed and nauseous and SCARED. I asked a co-worker to take my blood pressure and it was SKY HIGH!! I check my b/p weekly or more because I am on meds for it.

 I instantly started to cry. 

“Not now, not this ( a heart attack?), I have errands to do today!!!” My friend said, “why don’t we walk down to the ER and see what’s going on”.  I was falling apart.

After I was settled in and tests were being done I asked the PA, “what would cause this sudden increase (since there were no signs of any heart attack) and he said, “stress”.  I thought, “I am not stressed, I work part time, I do yoga, I love my abode, my cat, the ferals, my life in the country. I don’t have any stress!” 

Then, I got home. I had a text and I realized, “OH MY GODDESS! This is what it’s about!” So, I spent some more time thinking about this toxic situation that I was trying to understand and move through. 

I want to do the right thing. But for whom!?!?!?!? I have to figure out a way to rewrite the story because the blood pressure thing is as real as a hand grenade (or a heart attack)! I knew when this toxic event was going on that I was feeling it at a level I did not want in my life. And I felt okay after, yet it was there waiting for the best moment to show up -somewhere where I was safe, at work, near the ER. 

By choosing me, I am honoring my boundaries that took me so many years to understand and appreciate. I will always help others but I will not carry them.  I am not responsible for their life choices, their past. I am not a punching bag. I may not be perfect, but I am honorable and worthy of respect. So I choose me. For now, I am choosing present moments as though today is my only day. I am loving the people who love, respect and honor who I am as I will do the same for them. 

                                                              I chose me.

Why We Do the Things We Do!

What if there was a way to figure out WHY we do the things we do? Why we get blocked, why we get angry over the little things, why we hurt for no reason? What if in a few days, weeks or months you could be guided to release these beliefs and find peace!! What if along the way you would learn easy tools to handle those old beliefs in a NEW way? Would that be worth it? Would having more peace, self love, understanding be worth it? Are you worth it?

 Understanding Why We Do the Things We do! Life happens and sometimes we wonder, “Why did I do that?” Or, “why did he/she do this?” It becomes second nature to question ourselves and, really, for no good reason. We do what we do because it is how we learned to do what we do. Does this mean there is no hope? Of course not!!! It means that as you become aware of those things that you wish you’d done a different way, you now have the power to look more closely at it and find a new way to handle it in the future. Now that you are looking at it, it will show itself often and you will get the chance to practice your new way of “handling” it and, hopefully get a more meaningful outcome. I know this seems simple and it is. Just like with any new idea, it takes practice and a little getting used to. You may run into things like, “hey, why are you acting like that” or, “you’re NOT mad?!” Sometimes there will be an expectation of how you will act, even a trigger response will want to fire. But now that you are aware, it becomes so much easier to respond in a new and healthier way. Suddenly you are present and this gives you more choices and that feels good. And it honors who you are. 

But, back to WHY we do the things we do. We have been programed our whole lives by the lessons we had as children, not only by the events but how we interpreted them. As a child one may have been nipped by a dog and decided from then on that all dogs bite, therefore, I HATE DOGS. Later in life you might fall in love with this super special person and everything is going great and they invite you to dinner at their house where they will be cooking you a fabulous meal. Low and behold, you are greeted and drooled over by a huge fluffy mop of a dog with whom your soul mate is also superbly connected to. Is it time to bolt or to change your belief system around dogs? We get programed early in life, and, many times we create rules around our ‘experiences’ that create beliefs that can keep us from growing and learning and flowing with the nature of life. How many people have you encountered that say or behave as though they’re stuck in an old story? Maybe they are repeating a pattern you recognize because you’ve known them through a few cycles of this pattern. Our tendency is to back off and say, “Oh for the love of Pete, get over it!” What we need to understand is that they’d love to get over it but they are stuck in the story, the emotion that is attached to it and they  they don’t know how to get out. They need a better understanding of why they do the thing they do. This is what a great coach can do for you. Help you to find a way out of this disillusioning, paralyzing  and energy consuming pattern. It takes understanding, courage and desire to create a healthier way to handle life. And there are many ways to do this. Having someone to guide you and coach you to your own outcomes is the fastest and easiest way. 

A few tips:

1 Is this about me?

2 How can I help?

3 Is it time to step back?

4 How can I serve the greater good?

Fear and the Committee of Monkeys

I was reviewing my old posts and found one labelled, "Fear". When I opened it, I found that it was blank. Ya gotta love that!

I have so little fear anymore. I have faith. I have faith because all that fear and worry brought me nothing. I am not talking about the fear when hair on the back of your neck stands up or when your inner being says, "this is not right, step away", I am talking about all the fear created in falsehood by the ego. The fear that serves nothing. The fear of things we have no control over (even if we wish we did), fear of future events that may or may not happen, fear of a giant meteor crashing into the surface of the earth. Fear is the retardant of presence. Let me repeat that, FEAR IS THE RETARDANT OF PRESENCE.

We cannot practice presence while in a state of fear. Anxiety disorder is the inability to be present and the Ego's fine job of  broadcasting every little fear you may have ever had or may ever have in the future. Anxiety disorder is a result of not learning or being taught how to cope with ego mind.
I used to call it my committee of monkeys when I finally figured out that it was in my head. Oh the ego had a blast with me. I had the critic monkey, the bitch monkey, the doubt monkey, the monkey of unworthiness, the monkey of successful failure. I began to see them as little goblins on my shoulders, one on one side saying "oh, that was stupid" and the other side "who'd believe you".  Fear was pretty rampant and my steps back then were small, oh let me be truthful, they were teeny, tiny.  The funny thing is when I began to see the fear monkeys on my shoulders, they didn't have as much control of over my head. Some days I could just flick them off. And the more I flicked them off, the less they spoke negatively. Pretty soon there were only one or two of them and they were easy to control.
My mind started to get quiet. I started to meditate for short periods of time. I'd sit on the beach and just get quiet by listening to the birds and waves and smelling the water and feeling the breeze and the sand. When I concentrated on those things my mind relaxed. I felt immeasurably  more peaceful. Even my body relaxed. The committee started saying things like, "wow, this is so sweet". Yep, they began to enjoy this as well. And their language changed. The words they said were words of kindness and encouragement.

With practice I took this exercise everywhere in nature. I meditated on mountain ridges, snowy hillsides, in the woods, while snorkeling and scuba diving (just the getting quiet part), on road trips, sitting in front of the fire, standing in the rain and I welcomed the presence of the world/universe/God into my being. Rare is it that monkeys of old show up. By being present I have diminished the negative power of the ego. It is still there and works to remind me when I am in a negative place. But it no longer controls my thoughts. Fears worthiness in its proper place; there to protect me not consume me.