Am I enough?

Again, I am learning something new or more advanced at 70+.

 

 Is it because I feel bored? 

Is there some kind of expectation that because I am Cis Ahearn, that I will finally find something other than nursing that I am successful at?

Have I not met my purpose by being a nurse for 50+ years, traveling all over the world, doing most outdoor snow sports, working out at some of the most amazing health clubs in the USA, been at yoga since I was 21, and on and on? 

Who am I trying to please?

 Who am I trying to impress? 

Retiring and the following 4 years, while interesting, was mostly a disaster with my funds. I can't lie, I followed a few rabbits down a few holes. Bad holes. But, I keep getting up, brushing off my butt or my knees and taking off again. The most important thoughts about this have been about gratitude. It is how I managed.

I mean, who am I to complain? I have a roof over my head, I live in my dream location. I have food in my fridge and cabinets. Warm water to shower in. I have clothing for winter weather. A car. Gasoline in my tank. And so much more. I believe I have enough.  

My rules about this may be the challenge. 

Is having "enough" enough? 

Maybe I hold the bar too low. Maybe if I was a person who thought they needed more of everything, I might have more....of everything. 

Somewhere I learned that I never had enough. That I was never enough. And I will grant you, that value came from me. I fought hard, I put up with a lot of criticism, complaints and negative feedback on who I was supposed to be vs who I wanted to be. But, especially with family, it  and I were never enough. Not a doctor, not married,  not a book producer, not enough. 

So to keep my head above water, I did a lot!! I kept in perpetual motion. I travelled, I moved for jobs in all sorts of places. I drove cross-country over 15 times. I met so many people who typically, I would pick their brains, "what makes you tick", "what makes you so successful" and so many more questions all to prove to myself I wasn't enough and that the answers are out there, I just need to ask the right person the right question and I would be enough.

I have had times where I did have "everything". I great job (many actually), money in the bank and in an 401K, a home, clothes, trips, cars, and I was happy mostly. Maybe I didn't appreciate it enough. I know I was grateful for the gifts. I was grateful for the experiences-good and not so good. But, was I enough?

I even taped the words, "I Am Enough!" over my bed in a little attic room I rented one a month vacation I took to Steamboat Springs. I had started a new training, "Robbins-Madanas Training" on strategic Intervention and Life Coaching. I had already spent 8 years in the Tony Robbins environment as a participant, volunteer and Senior Leader. I was still asking questions and still not enough.

I think somewhere deep inside me, there is some little thing someone said or did that is buried like a burr in my soul, saying "you will never amout to anything". I remember where those words came from. 

How could I after all these years give any power to them, considering where they came from? That barbed arrow went deep. But, is it true? 

Am I enough? 

And according to who's rules?

 Does feeling 'not enough' explain my lack of follow through, my lack of financial stability, my lack of self worth? 

I can't say it is a result of not searching for answers, I have been on the hunt for decades. 

Therapy, coaching, time alone in the wild, on the road, on the beach. 

I require down time, I always have and it helps to ground me for sure! 

But, has it answered the question for me? 

Has it unplugged the barb?

 Am I enough?

https://bit.ly/CisAhearn

Why We Do the Things We Do!

What if there was a way to figure out WHY we do the things we do? Why we get blocked, why we get angry over the little things, why we hurt for no reason? What if in a few days, weeks or months you could be guided to release these beliefs and find peace!! What if along the way you would learn easy tools to handle those old beliefs in a NEW way? Would that be worth it? Would having more peace, self love, understanding be worth it? Are you worth it?

 Understanding Why We Do the Things We do! Life happens and sometimes we wonder, “Why did I do that?” Or, “why did he/she do this?” It becomes second nature to question ourselves and, really, for no good reason. We do what we do because it is how we learned to do what we do. Does this mean there is no hope? Of course not!!! It means that as you become aware of those things that you wish you’d done a different way, you now have the power to look more closely at it and find a new way to handle it in the future. Now that you are looking at it, it will show itself often and you will get the chance to practice your new way of “handling” it and, hopefully get a more meaningful outcome. I know this seems simple and it is. Just like with any new idea, it takes practice and a little getting used to. You may run into things like, “hey, why are you acting like that” or, “you’re NOT mad?!” Sometimes there will be an expectation of how you will act, even a trigger response will want to fire. But now that you are aware, it becomes so much easier to respond in a new and healthier way. Suddenly you are present and this gives you more choices and that feels good. And it honors who you are. 

But, back to WHY we do the things we do. We have been programed our whole lives by the lessons we had as children, not only by the events but how we interpreted them. As a child one may have been nipped by a dog and decided from then on that all dogs bite, therefore, I HATE DOGS. Later in life you might fall in love with this super special person and everything is going great and they invite you to dinner at their house where they will be cooking you a fabulous meal. Low and behold, you are greeted and drooled over by a huge fluffy mop of a dog with whom your soul mate is also superbly connected to. Is it time to bolt or to change your belief system around dogs? We get programed early in life, and, many times we create rules around our ‘experiences’ that create beliefs that can keep us from growing and learning and flowing with the nature of life. How many people have you encountered that say or behave as though they’re stuck in an old story? Maybe they are repeating a pattern you recognize because you’ve known them through a few cycles of this pattern. Our tendency is to back off and say, “Oh for the love of Pete, get over it!” What we need to understand is that they’d love to get over it but they are stuck in the story, the emotion that is attached to it and they  they don’t know how to get out. They need a better understanding of why they do the thing they do. This is what a great coach can do for you. Help you to find a way out of this disillusioning, paralyzing  and energy consuming pattern. It takes understanding, courage and desire to create a healthier way to handle life. And there are many ways to do this. Having someone to guide you and coach you to your own outcomes is the fastest and easiest way. 

A few tips:

1 Is this about me?

2 How can I help?

3 Is it time to step back?

4 How can I serve the greater good?

Fear and the Committee of Monkeys

I was reviewing my old posts and found one labelled, "Fear". When I opened it, I found that it was blank. Ya gotta love that!

I have so little fear anymore. I have faith. I have faith because all that fear and worry brought me nothing. I am not talking about the fear when hair on the back of your neck stands up or when your inner being says, "this is not right, step away", I am talking about all the fear created in falsehood by the ego. The fear that serves nothing. The fear of things we have no control over (even if we wish we did), fear of future events that may or may not happen, fear of a giant meteor crashing into the surface of the earth. Fear is the retardant of presence. Let me repeat that, FEAR IS THE RETARDANT OF PRESENCE.

We cannot practice presence while in a state of fear. Anxiety disorder is the inability to be present and the Ego's fine job of  broadcasting every little fear you may have ever had or may ever have in the future. Anxiety disorder is a result of not learning or being taught how to cope with ego mind.
I used to call it my committee of monkeys when I finally figured out that it was in my head. Oh the ego had a blast with me. I had the critic monkey, the bitch monkey, the doubt monkey, the monkey of unworthiness, the monkey of successful failure. I began to see them as little goblins on my shoulders, one on one side saying "oh, that was stupid" and the other side "who'd believe you".  Fear was pretty rampant and my steps back then were small, oh let me be truthful, they were teeny, tiny.  The funny thing is when I began to see the fear monkeys on my shoulders, they didn't have as much control of over my head. Some days I could just flick them off. And the more I flicked them off, the less they spoke negatively. Pretty soon there were only one or two of them and they were easy to control.
My mind started to get quiet. I started to meditate for short periods of time. I'd sit on the beach and just get quiet by listening to the birds and waves and smelling the water and feeling the breeze and the sand. When I concentrated on those things my mind relaxed. I felt immeasurably  more peaceful. Even my body relaxed. The committee started saying things like, "wow, this is so sweet". Yep, they began to enjoy this as well. And their language changed. The words they said were words of kindness and encouragement.

With practice I took this exercise everywhere in nature. I meditated on mountain ridges, snowy hillsides, in the woods, while snorkeling and scuba diving (just the getting quiet part), on road trips, sitting in front of the fire, standing in the rain and I welcomed the presence of the world/universe/God into my being. Rare is it that monkeys of old show up. By being present I have diminished the negative power of the ego. It is still there and works to remind me when I am in a negative place. But it no longer controls my thoughts. Fears worthiness in its proper place; there to protect me not consume me.

Beliefs and Decisions

"No Belief is neutral. Every one has the power to dictate each decision we make. For a decision is a conclusion based on everything that we believe." ACIM

Thoughts come from our beliefs. When we think, "she is...., or, he should..." we base that thought on a belief created by our ego. At some point in our lives this belief may have appeared to protect us and, yet, we carry it into many situations. It may be a belief created in our peer group.

As I child I was bit by a dog, I was in the fourth grade. I believed for many years that all dogs were biters and so I stayed clear of them. I did not trust even the best of dogs for fear that they would turn on me and bite me unprevoked. Today I know differently and have loved many dogs belonging to friends (I became a cat person as a result of this belief) and I feel a kindred spirit to most dogs I meet. They are all creatures of God and with love become friends to all and devotees to their owners.

"Men are all the same". This is a truth as we are all the same inside. We all have a light within us that is flowing from God that is a likeness to one another. We may have beliefs to the contrary, such as, "I attract men that always leave me", or "You can't trust men". These are beliefs we created at some point in out lives based on our experiences and rather than look to the light in them (and letting them go) we assume "all men are alike". The problem resides outside ourselves, we think. It's him/her. The truth is, it is a belief we created. Not all men are alike, some are tall, some are dark haired, some have beards, some are thinkers, some are doers, some exercise, some are readers, yet at their core there is a child of God, born into this world to love and be loved. Many are in our lives to help us to learn how to love and be loved. Some are here to teach us to love ourselves. And this applies to all our relationships.

Beliefs can and do change in time. Who we are at our core never changes. What surprises us often is the unrecognized beliefs we have. Those are the ones that come unasked for. Those are the ones that come as secrets, "where the results of conflict are kept unknown and never brought  to reason."ACIM   We don't know (or acknowledge) why we are angry, hurt, shamed, or feel attacked. But the ego does and it is kept a secret until we bring it to light. We ask, "Why is this happening to me? "or "What did I do wrong?". And that may be as far as we are willing to explore.

Conflict has no resolution, it is the egos way to keep us from looking in. It is the secret enemy of peace. It is your choice to attack rather than to love. It makes us righteous, indignant, closed, even violent. And it solves nothing other than to create separation from our fellow humans, and from the nature of God. We war outloud, we war inside ourselves and for what? It is insane to think that this state of conflict can bring anything but suffering. And we must recognise that it is a choice we make. Therefore, we can chose another.

It is when we are willing to look deeper and examine these choices, through coaching, meditating and the many other opportunities to dig deep,  that the answers appear and can be released and peace can abide in your heart and your life. Whether you take small steps or leaps of Faith, there is peace to be found. Profound and lasting peace. And once found yours to share through love and kindness and understanding.

When conflict happens, when a belief shows and you are lost as to why it appears, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What is really going on here?
• How can I see this differently?
• What is my belief that makes me think this?
• How can I appreciate this situation in truth?
• What am I willing to learn from this?
• How can I love beyond this moment?

Examine the color green today.

 Appreciate the many shades of it. It is of God and in you. 

Enjoy the Vertical Flow!

Love and Light!