Again, I am learning something new or more advanced at 70+.
Is it because I feel bored?
Is there some kind of expectation that because I am Cis Ahearn, that I will finally find something other than nursing that I am successful at?
Have I not met my purpose by being a nurse for 50+ years, traveling all over the world, doing most outdoor snow sports, working out at some of the most amazing health clubs in the USA, been at yoga since I was 21, and on and on?
Who am I trying to please?
Who am I trying to impress?
Retiring and the following 4 years, while interesting, was mostly a disaster with my funds. I can't lie, I followed a few rabbits down a few holes. Bad holes. But, I keep getting up, brushing off my butt or my knees and taking off again. The most important thoughts about this have been about gratitude. It is how I managed.
I mean, who am I to complain? I have a roof over my head, I live in my dream location. I have food in my fridge and cabinets. Warm water to shower in. I have clothing for winter weather. A car. Gasoline in my tank. And so much more. I believe I have enough.
My rules about this may be the challenge.
Is having "enough" enough?
Maybe I hold the bar too low. Maybe if I was a person who thought they needed more of everything, I might have more....of everything.
Somewhere I learned that I never had enough. That I was never enough. And I will grant you, that value came from me. I fought hard, I put up with a lot of criticism, complaints and negative feedback on who I was supposed to be vs who I wanted to be. But, especially with family, it and I were never enough. Not a doctor, not married, not a book producer, not enough.
So to keep my head above water, I did a lot!! I kept in perpetual motion. I travelled, I moved for jobs in all sorts of places. I drove cross-country over 15 times. I met so many people who typically, I would pick their brains, "what makes you tick", "what makes you so successful" and so many more questions all to prove to myself I wasn't enough and that the answers are out there, I just need to ask the right person the right question and I would be enough.
I have had times where I did have "everything". I great job (many actually), money in the bank and in an 401K, a home, clothes, trips, cars, and I was happy mostly. Maybe I didn't appreciate it enough. I know I was grateful for the gifts. I was grateful for the experiences-good and not so good. But, was I enough?
I even taped the words, "I Am Enough!" over my bed in a little attic room I rented one a month vacation I took to Steamboat Springs. I had started a new training, "Robbins-Madanas Training" on strategic Intervention and Life Coaching. I had already spent 8 years in the Tony Robbins environment as a participant, volunteer and Senior Leader. I was still asking questions and still not enough.
I think somewhere deep inside me, there is some little thing someone said or did that is buried like a burr in my soul, saying "you will never amout to anything". I remember where those words came from.
How could I after all these years give any power to them, considering where they came from? That barbed arrow went deep. But, is it true?
Am I enough?
And according to who's rules?
Does feeling 'not enough' explain my lack of follow through, my lack of financial stability, my lack of self worth?
I can't say it is a result of not searching for answers, I have been on the hunt for decades.
Therapy, coaching, time alone in the wild, on the road, on the beach.
I require down time, I always have and it helps to ground me for sure!
But, has it answered the question for me?
Has it unplugged the barb?
Am I enough?
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