Am I enough?

Again, I am learning something new or more advanced at 70+.

 

 Is it because I feel bored? 

Is there some kind of expectation that because I am Cis Ahearn, that I will finally find something other than nursing that I am successful at?

Have I not met my purpose by being a nurse for 50+ years, traveling all over the world, doing most outdoor snow sports, working out at some of the most amazing health clubs in the USA, been at yoga since I was 21, and on and on? 

Who am I trying to please?

 Who am I trying to impress? 

Retiring and the following 4 years, while interesting, was mostly a disaster with my funds. I can't lie, I followed a few rabbits down a few holes. Bad holes. But, I keep getting up, brushing off my butt or my knees and taking off again. The most important thoughts about this have been about gratitude. It is how I managed.

I mean, who am I to complain? I have a roof over my head, I live in my dream location. I have food in my fridge and cabinets. Warm water to shower in. I have clothing for winter weather. A car. Gasoline in my tank. And so much more. I believe I have enough.  

My rules about this may be the challenge. 

Is having "enough" enough? 

Maybe I hold the bar too low. Maybe if I was a person who thought they needed more of everything, I might have more....of everything. 

Somewhere I learned that I never had enough. That I was never enough. And I will grant you, that value came from me. I fought hard, I put up with a lot of criticism, complaints and negative feedback on who I was supposed to be vs who I wanted to be. But, especially with family, it  and I were never enough. Not a doctor, not married,  not a book producer, not enough. 

So to keep my head above water, I did a lot!! I kept in perpetual motion. I travelled, I moved for jobs in all sorts of places. I drove cross-country over 15 times. I met so many people who typically, I would pick their brains, "what makes you tick", "what makes you so successful" and so many more questions all to prove to myself I wasn't enough and that the answers are out there, I just need to ask the right person the right question and I would be enough.

I have had times where I did have "everything". I great job (many actually), money in the bank and in an 401K, a home, clothes, trips, cars, and I was happy mostly. Maybe I didn't appreciate it enough. I know I was grateful for the gifts. I was grateful for the experiences-good and not so good. But, was I enough?

I even taped the words, "I Am Enough!" over my bed in a little attic room I rented one a month vacation I took to Steamboat Springs. I had started a new training, "Robbins-Madanas Training" on strategic Intervention and Life Coaching. I had already spent 8 years in the Tony Robbins environment as a participant, volunteer and Senior Leader. I was still asking questions and still not enough.

I think somewhere deep inside me, there is some little thing someone said or did that is buried like a burr in my soul, saying "you will never amout to anything". I remember where those words came from. 

How could I after all these years give any power to them, considering where they came from? That barbed arrow went deep. But, is it true? 

Am I enough? 

And according to who's rules?

 Does feeling 'not enough' explain my lack of follow through, my lack of financial stability, my lack of self worth? 

I can't say it is a result of not searching for answers, I have been on the hunt for decades. 

Therapy, coaching, time alone in the wild, on the road, on the beach. 

I require down time, I always have and it helps to ground me for sure! 

But, has it answered the question for me? 

Has it unplugged the barb?

 Am I enough?

https://bit.ly/CisAhearn

We Teach to Learn

 

One of the greatest lessons from the Course in Miracles  is that to teach is to learn and the other way around. I have learned that every situation, good, bad, ugly is a lesson. The work is whether or not you get it. The lesson does not have to be some huge AHA moment or a humbling experience, it has to be an opportunity to grow. Growth is movement. And it the middle of this movement is forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves as well as others. Forgiving ourselves for not seeing things more clearly, for not deciding differently, for putting up with stuff our sane mind would never tolerate, for not being stronger and so much more. We are hardest on ourselves. Forgiveness for not recognizing our own grace!! Compared to that, forgiving others is, well, interesting.

How do we do this? As in the Wizard of Oz, you must have brain, a heart, courage and a desire to go home. 

People are not just their actions, they have a long history of life behind them that has shaped their decisions, behaviors, even their bodies. And, sometimes, we do not get to understand   WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. Another great lesson for me. 

"Why?" "Why not?" "Why would they do that?" The questions go on and on. The Book says that this is the Ego talking, creating doubt, gaslighting you. Now ,mind you, the Ego has its place but in today's society it has run rampant and out of control and it kills. People, hopes, dreams, families. So, it does take a little work and Faith to calm it down and see the Truth before you. 

I never believed that newborns were born "dumb". I looked into the eyes of enough babies in my 26 years in Labor and Delivery to know that there is something magnetic about those eyes. When you are born with a brain that is one third your body weight, it can not be completely empty and there is plenty of research to support that now. They're  a juicy sponge, they hear clearly, they have a powerful smell receptor, they can sense movement, they can quickly learn to communicate, they dream. This was always a mystery to me while holding a newborn, their body  twitch, their eyes  move under their lids,  their lips  move. I would wonder, WHAT ARE THEY DREAMING? They have been in a warm dark womb for nine months!!!! Are they remembering comversation that happened while they were inside? Are they remembering a past life? Why?

So it is in life we learn to shut down our hearts as though this is the only way to get through stuff. And the key here is that we do get through it. For some it seems impossible and others they tuck away the disappointment and pain. Some just get up and say, NEXT! There are so many options for this. It is important to remember that each event, each tragic moment , each loss offers you a gift, a learning. It may take a bit to see this but when you look back it comes to you. The look of love on your spouses face the moment your first child is born,  a celebrated birthday, intimacy, sharing an ice cream together, buying your first home. All are what makes up the tapestry of your lifetime together-long or short. And that is what your lesson is. Not the behavior or the decisions made in the end. Why hold on to that? Why not hold on to the good and great that occurred on the journey? 

It is a learning. To stop the negative self talk and  try a little tenderness. For yourself. Think of one of those magic moments and be grateful for it. Recognize what you are fearing, and, talk about it. Get it in the open, write it down and learn to forgive it and let it go. Tiny steps for inner peace. Follow the movement of the trees as the breeze blows through. Focus on a hummingbird and the miraculousness of its movements. Love on an animal. Talk with someone and listen. Tiny steps to peace and freedom and harmony. Be present for someone. Be the lesson you want to share.
Be the Love you wish to see.

Hold Your Breath for the Count of Ten....

I've been quiet for a while. Easy to say there's lots going on, but, so what. Who's life is not a bit complicated right now? And I am not going to repeat all the cliches out there about all the garbage being dumped on us from all sides in an effort to confuse us and frighten us.

 Not being interested in being bombarded by much too much media information, I chose to be selective about what I read. It is possible that what I read may be false information as well, but, most of it is written sans emotion and flair. I am interested in facts. So I do focus on the science, I read the VAERS reports, I listen to all sorts of physicians and scientists, sometimes dumbfounded by what the media has missed or mis-represented, but, it is because this world has gotten very comfortable with altering the Truth. It's a sad fact. And no wonder people can't figure out what the heck is going on and tend towards the simplest answer. Too much mis-information, how can anyone know for sure what is right? You can terrorize people with too much noise, too much stimulation, physical abuse, mental abuse. Think Gitmo.  And we have had a bit of that this last year and a half. 

Yet some of us still stand in our truth. We still see the goodness available for us if we chose to shift our focus. When we know we have a limited amount of time on this gorgeous planet, why are we wasting it on those things we have little control over? Why turn on a TV rather than open a window? Go for a walk? Read a good 

Book? Enjoy a drive? Watch a sunset? Your time is all you have- is watching endless TV and reading the same stuff over and over what you really want to remember when you are at your death bed? Get out of your house! Go clear your mind at the beach, in the woods, on a mountain peak, wherever you can step back from the noise and just Be. Listen. Smell. Feel the natural world and get refilled. Being alone is not lonely, it is cleansing. Being quiet is a scarey thing only if you let it be. Hold your breath for the count of 10. There, you were alone and survived. It is that simple. 

As much as I have loved my media toys, I reluctantly set them down and walk away. I think back to when I wrote tons of letters to family and friends. It required thinking in the moment and sharing life. It was expression without a snapshot. I remember worrying about staying on the phone too long because it cost more. So you had to get all the important stuff said in a short time. The conversation were intimate and some times hard. Now, nothing is really private. Intimacy is an act rather than a personal event. What now?

 I find I need great compassion for those loved ones and others who drank the kool-aid and are now seeing the Truth. Doubt (is it really true) takes over fear (of death-the only guarantee) and then humility (am I wrong). Hard for your average American to take. But compassion is what is needed.

 "Forgive them for they know not what they do". There is a shift happening now. Some find it harder  to ask, "what if I'm wrong?" than to ask," what if I'm right?" and to answer truthfully. Yet both questions are important. And it takes courage to actually ask someone either question with regards to the present situation in the world. Both answers help to shift you, ever so slightly, to a more rounded understanding. I always say, " awareness is 50% of the cure". Many people don't even know that they don't know (the Truth). Yet, when you can offer them the opportunity to explore their own inner thoughts by these two questions, shift happens. And compassion prevails. And there is Light.

Fear and the Committee of Monkeys

I was reviewing my old posts and found one labelled, "Fear". When I opened it, I found that it was blank. Ya gotta love that!

I have so little fear anymore. I have faith. I have faith because all that fear and worry brought me nothing. I am not talking about the fear when hair on the back of your neck stands up or when your inner being says, "this is not right, step away", I am talking about all the fear created in falsehood by the ego. The fear that serves nothing. The fear of things we have no control over (even if we wish we did), fear of future events that may or may not happen, fear of a giant meteor crashing into the surface of the earth. Fear is the retardant of presence. Let me repeat that, FEAR IS THE RETARDANT OF PRESENCE.

We cannot practice presence while in a state of fear. Anxiety disorder is the inability to be present and the Ego's fine job of  broadcasting every little fear you may have ever had or may ever have in the future. Anxiety disorder is a result of not learning or being taught how to cope with ego mind.
I used to call it my committee of monkeys when I finally figured out that it was in my head. Oh the ego had a blast with me. I had the critic monkey, the bitch monkey, the doubt monkey, the monkey of unworthiness, the monkey of successful failure. I began to see them as little goblins on my shoulders, one on one side saying "oh, that was stupid" and the other side "who'd believe you".  Fear was pretty rampant and my steps back then were small, oh let me be truthful, they were teeny, tiny.  The funny thing is when I began to see the fear monkeys on my shoulders, they didn't have as much control of over my head. Some days I could just flick them off. And the more I flicked them off, the less they spoke negatively. Pretty soon there were only one or two of them and they were easy to control.
My mind started to get quiet. I started to meditate for short periods of time. I'd sit on the beach and just get quiet by listening to the birds and waves and smelling the water and feeling the breeze and the sand. When I concentrated on those things my mind relaxed. I felt immeasurably  more peaceful. Even my body relaxed. The committee started saying things like, "wow, this is so sweet". Yep, they began to enjoy this as well. And their language changed. The words they said were words of kindness and encouragement.

With practice I took this exercise everywhere in nature. I meditated on mountain ridges, snowy hillsides, in the woods, while snorkeling and scuba diving (just the getting quiet part), on road trips, sitting in front of the fire, standing in the rain and I welcomed the presence of the world/universe/God into my being. Rare is it that monkeys of old show up. By being present I have diminished the negative power of the ego. It is still there and works to remind me when I am in a negative place. But it no longer controls my thoughts. Fears worthiness in its proper place; there to protect me not consume me.

Beliefs and Decisions

"No Belief is neutral. Every one has the power to dictate each decision we make. For a decision is a conclusion based on everything that we believe." ACIM

Thoughts come from our beliefs. When we think, "she is...., or, he should..." we base that thought on a belief created by our ego. At some point in our lives this belief may have appeared to protect us and, yet, we carry it into many situations. It may be a belief created in our peer group.

As I child I was bit by a dog, I was in the fourth grade. I believed for many years that all dogs were biters and so I stayed clear of them. I did not trust even the best of dogs for fear that they would turn on me and bite me unprevoked. Today I know differently and have loved many dogs belonging to friends (I became a cat person as a result of this belief) and I feel a kindred spirit to most dogs I meet. They are all creatures of God and with love become friends to all and devotees to their owners.

"Men are all the same". This is a truth as we are all the same inside. We all have a light within us that is flowing from God that is a likeness to one another. We may have beliefs to the contrary, such as, "I attract men that always leave me", or "You can't trust men". These are beliefs we created at some point in out lives based on our experiences and rather than look to the light in them (and letting them go) we assume "all men are alike". The problem resides outside ourselves, we think. It's him/her. The truth is, it is a belief we created. Not all men are alike, some are tall, some are dark haired, some have beards, some are thinkers, some are doers, some exercise, some are readers, yet at their core there is a child of God, born into this world to love and be loved. Many are in our lives to help us to learn how to love and be loved. Some are here to teach us to love ourselves. And this applies to all our relationships.

Beliefs can and do change in time. Who we are at our core never changes. What surprises us often is the unrecognized beliefs we have. Those are the ones that come unasked for. Those are the ones that come as secrets, "where the results of conflict are kept unknown and never brought  to reason."ACIM   We don't know (or acknowledge) why we are angry, hurt, shamed, or feel attacked. But the ego does and it is kept a secret until we bring it to light. We ask, "Why is this happening to me? "or "What did I do wrong?". And that may be as far as we are willing to explore.

Conflict has no resolution, it is the egos way to keep us from looking in. It is the secret enemy of peace. It is your choice to attack rather than to love. It makes us righteous, indignant, closed, even violent. And it solves nothing other than to create separation from our fellow humans, and from the nature of God. We war outloud, we war inside ourselves and for what? It is insane to think that this state of conflict can bring anything but suffering. And we must recognise that it is a choice we make. Therefore, we can chose another.

It is when we are willing to look deeper and examine these choices, through coaching, meditating and the many other opportunities to dig deep,  that the answers appear and can be released and peace can abide in your heart and your life. Whether you take small steps or leaps of Faith, there is peace to be found. Profound and lasting peace. And once found yours to share through love and kindness and understanding.

When conflict happens, when a belief shows and you are lost as to why it appears, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What is really going on here?
• How can I see this differently?
• What is my belief that makes me think this?
• How can I appreciate this situation in truth?
• What am I willing to learn from this?
• How can I love beyond this moment?

Examine the color green today.

 Appreciate the many shades of it. It is of God and in you. 

Enjoy the Vertical Flow!

Love and Light!

Why One Reads a Good Book More than Once and wtf is She-Go

"Women have more power than we know. When we truly understand the game for what it is 

and deepen our awareness of the most dangerous forms of female

  oppression-emotional and psychological-then we are on our way to genuine liberation.

 It does not help to blame anyone. What we can do is face the truth. 

And any truth faced is closer to realization. 

True change doesn't emerge from action; 

 it emerges from genuine understanding."

Marianne Williamson-"A Woman's Worth"

I just finished re-reading this book. It was written in 1993, more than 20 years ago and has more relevance today than it could have then. Yet back then it blew my mind. She was speaking to the potential for the future. She was saying out loud what even today many still whisper. 

We. as mothers, sisters, lovers, humans, need to be loud. Not in a screaming, bitchy way, but with strength from within us. Start small, if you must, but speak up to injustice you see and hear about our sisters. It does not matter that they are politically misaligned from your beliefs, or their skin is a different hue than yours, or that they come from another world than you do. We have all been held back because we are women. Rich, poor, famous, infamous, silent, loud, we are all calling for each others help to awaken. To expose the Divine strength of our core, the Goddess within. 

As little girls we knew her, we read her stories, we whispered to her, we shared our misgivings with her. She was our shadow, our inner voice, our favorite doll. She understood us as no one else did. She was our secret. She reassured us when we were scared, soothed us to sleep at night when the lights were out and we were alone. She was our divine Self. 

Then, she became the heroine of the books we read. She became the glittery face on TV, the superstars of fame and fortune. And she was no longer inside us, in fact, she became a flicker of a flame we no longer needed. Quickly she was replaced by the she-ego or she-go for short. The critic, the complainer. Without the strength of that divine goddess; she-go raged. She started  telling you things and untruths. "She's a LOT prettier than you." "She is SO much more popular than you are." "You're being HYSTERICAL." "You're too SENSITIVE."  "You're a woman, women don't get jobs like that." And you started to believe her. You started sucking it up and the divine voice inside you became quiet. If divine feminine inside wasn't getting you what you needed, well she-go recommended to toughen up, workout to the core, be smarter, stronger (in an outwardly way) and buck up. All ploys to remind you you weren't worth it. You would probably fail.

Again from "A Woman's Worth":

"The  Romanian dictator Ceausescu argued that

armies and weapons were not necessary to keep people down 

as long as they are kept scared enough.

And this is how women are oppressed in our society. 

We are afraid  to allow ourselves to blossom fully because of the general 

disapproval that fills our air whenever 

a "little lady" forgets her place."

Men's greatest fear is that women will run the world as they have. This just is not possible. And furthermore, why would be we? As long as men have been in charge of the worlds affairs there has been ongoing war. And war is profitable and presently, it's all about the money. And the outcry from women all over the world is STOP KILLING OUR CHILDREN. 

We must get in touch with that divine Self and nurture her back to health. She is your intuition, your empathy, your  depth, the very real mother warrior in you. No matter where you come from or what you do, or what your past has to do with it, that divine Self is there waiting to birth you back to your power. She waits for you to smile that smile of knowing. She wants to feel that inner flame turn to a blaze. She wishes you to be the Love that you have always been.She wants you to share it, not just with those you know and love but with everyone and everything. Practice everyday saying it to everything. "I love that little bird, I love that breeze, I love the sweet smell of lilacs, I love you Self (in front of a mirror is best;), I love you Mother Earth, I love you God/Goddess." Love everything and you will find the Goddess in you will arrive and return you your Sceptre or magic wand if you chose. Love your sisters because we are all in this change together. Be kind to everyone. Know that in doing so, you will change the world. Never let them hold you down. You are meant for greatness!

The time has come....

"We can't look to the world to restore our worth;

 we're here to restore our worth to the world." 

-A Woman's Worth by Marianne Williamson

I am in awe of the movement of women in the world right now. It is my quiet dream realized in my lifetime. Who really knows when and where we, as women, lost our equality and our power or why, we only need to know that it is no longer truth. We are the peacemakers and in a man's world of war and profit this is scary. We are the stable ground in the family, we see all sides of the arguments, we organize all tasks to be done, we write to-do lists because we have the ability to pause and see things as they are in the now. And this takes strength in a society and world that plays down our power through mass media bullshit. No offense but there is no better word. 

Recently I heard that Mattel is now making "Barbie Inspiring Woman Series". I also noticed she is still bone thin, long legged and pretty much perfect in the world of misogyny. Little girls playing dolls with twigs who look like the Kardasians and wanting to be like them, rather than like the women of our times who are actually creating a safer and more respectable world for women. What is wrong with that picture? 

Last night I watched Dave Letterman's new show on Netflix. His guest was Malala, nothing more than a 20 year old young women who at 15 nearly had her face blown off because she spoke up about education for all women. At fifteen!!!!! And like the phoenix, she has risen to continue her commitment to this cause. She speaks of forgiveness as her motivation to move forward in bringing the importance of education to young women all over the world. At 17 years of age she was the youngest person to receive the Noble Peace Prize. She is unstoppable. What is her secret? Her absolute belief in her mission and a family who supported their children in following their own dreams. We all have this.

The #MeToo movement has lit  a fire under our sisters in the world. Not just the disgusting and degrading treatment of women in the moment, but the sheer number of repostings in the millions.   Women have been under a siege of sexual, physical and mental misconduct for years, maybe centuries. I am moved, not only by the MeToo's, but by the women that openly say it is a lie. Maybe they have been fortunate enough to have been protected from it, but, to deny your sisters experience is rough. Denial is not a river in Egypt, it is a thought process based on fear and shame. The act of sexual misconduct upon another human being is wrong. Ignorance is our cross to bear if we do not see the truth in this monumental time in history and take action now.

Yet in modern day history, this is unacceptable. And we haven't even really visited the assault in the medical arena, the one area of the women's working force dominated by women. And it is there, lurking, waiting for the war cry of the many nurses who have had to put up with the pats on the asses, the whispered remarks, the innuendo's. In a male controled environment catered to by millions of women over 200+ years, the abuse is there. I know, I witnessed and experienced it. 

In our desire to be "equal" we do not want to be "like" men because it is obvious that we are not, we want to be actively part of the world in progress. We want to speak our minds without being interrupted. We want the right to support our sisters. We are going to be heard. We will  turn the other cheek and keep on. Each time we are struck down, we will rise and keep walking. It is time. 

More and more women gather. In marches, in communities groups,in women's groups, bookclubs, dinners, in many countries. We are learning to be more respectful to one another, to be kinder, to not judge. As Jesus said, "Seek first to understand". Powerful and sometimes difficult words. We are rising and we will be heard.

So, seek the greatness in your sisters and let go of what does not serve. Put your loving and understanding energy into elevating each of our sisters to their full potential and grace. Let go of fear, recentment and anger. Look for and see the light in them so that they, in turn, will see the light in you.

The energy of the Universe is inside each one of us to be used for the greater good. Get in touch with it, use it to heal yourself and your sisters. Be the light you seek! Our radiance will change the world!

Our Republican Sisters

A friend called me recently. She was very upset. She was almost estranged from her family because of her views on politics. She was almost angry but more than that, she wanted to understand how and why they could not see what so many of us see in the present president.

I remember waking up the day of the election. I didn't know the results yet, but somehow I felt so heavy. And of course when I found out the weight of me could hardly get out of bed. But what I found fascinating was how many other people, many my women friends, felt the weight of it as well and somehow felt it was our fault or responsibility. Imagine the power we have in sensing our sisters this way. We were united in this feeling.

Suddenly there was rumbling among the masses. Protests by high school students and the LBGT  community, women were marching in the millions. People of all races were standing up. Something in our great country had changed. The question is- had it changed for the better or the worse.

The cries that call to me the most is how do we talk to our Republican sisters. How do we make sense of it. One thing is certain- sometimes we do not get to understand why people think the way they do. That does not preclude us from understanding that by loving them and allowing our differences to just be, we can get closer to them. Just because other people don't like what we're saying doesn't mean it's wrong. And that goes both ways. Our reality may not be their reality. And judging them invites them to judge us and that create separation.

If we want to reach our sisters we must let go of judgment. For judgment is separation. How do we do that? By coming from a space of love regardless of our conflict and ideas. Be the love you want to see in them. Communicate from the spiritual depth of who you really are. Know that unkind words and actions are of the mind of a body in pain. We cannot reach them by attacking them. We can only reach them by being respectful and having faith in their journey.

"We do not heal by pointing outward we heal by the pointing inward. To recognize where we ourselves need to atone and be made aware."- Marianne Williamson.

What does that look like? Sometimes by simply saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" can lead to opening communication. Sometimes by just agreeing to disagree and loving anyway can lead to a better understanding and an openness to listen. We are not at war with our sisters so put down your swords and open your hearts and love them. Accept that you may not agree with them but we are not at war with our sisters. It is our job as women to love one another and to be respectful and show them the way by our actions.  In so doing we allow them to open their hearts as well. And so the world is healed.

Have faith my Sisters and Goddesses!

My Path all along

I can't say how long I have known that my path has to do with God. But I have known this for a long time. I called it many things; Spirit, Oneness, Goddess, a Higher Power and more. But I have always known that there is a path and I wanted to be on it. Where it got difficult was how others felt about it. Because, I thought that what others thought about me mattered-for years. And so I veered off the path here and there. I questioned my beliefs, my thoughts, my reality. I wondered, "am I wrong, am I fucked up, why does this seem so wrong to them, what if I am wrong, what if God does not exist?" But, I keep coming back to the Path.

Why didn't I just put the gauntlet down? Why didn't I get it, what others told me about what to believe or not believe? What have  I been searching for? From when I was a child in Miami at The Little Flower Catholic Church where I received my Holy Communion. I was fascinated  by God. I wanted to be a Nun for a time, then I wanted to be an Astronaut. But when I committed my first documentable sin, I was lost. It was a simple thing, I was walking along the sidewalk one day and I saw this beautiful Hibiscus and I plucked it off its limb-just like that. And suddenly, I thought, "oh no, I have broken the seventh commandment "Thou shall not steal". What do I do now? Do I throw it away? Do I keep it? Do I hide it? I remember it so well. I was 7 years old. I was a sinner. I was going to hell.

Catholicism mattered to me. I loved going to Mass and being able to recite it. When we lived in San Juan I went to Catholic school (Spanish speaking) and I learned to recite it in Spanish as well as Latin. The churches were so beautiful there with life size statues of the Virgen Mary and the Christ Child. Each week the Christ Child would be dressed in the same robes as the Priest. The windows streamed with color and light. The statues bled. I felt the connection to God there.

But something changed when we moved back to the states. The church there in Naples seemed so sterile. St Ann's was a round church and the Cross of Jesus was just a big gold cross, there were no bleeding figures or baby Jesus statues. It did not feel right to me. So, I played hooky, hung outside through  the service and got caught. My parents did not attend, my brother and I just walked to church on Sunday mornings by ourselves. We would just hang out outside until the service was over and walk home. One day a priest came up and asked us what we were doing. He was really nice and not threatening. We told him it didn't feel right here. He asked us , "what would you like to be doing to celebrate God this morning?" We said, " Go to the beach"? "Then go, celebrate there and be in gratitude of His gifts".

When I got to college much about what I knew about the church had changed. The Catholic church had rules that I did not think that God would really send down. Not the God I knew. I stopped going except for holidays. I asked questions, I got "Spiritual". I Read "Be Here Now".  I listened to the Beatles after they returned for India, their music moved me with their sitars and psychedelics. Yet I was trying to make my way in the world and conforming became the norm. So I sucked in my curiosity and followed the fun. I moved away from God for a while, but not from the search.

I hung with cool people who said, God is dead. I bought into it. I let go of the traditional God. I learned about Buddha. I fell for the 100+ Gods of the Hindu. I searched the Inner Child. I listened to Wayne Dyer, Depok Chopra, Marianne Williamson. I got curious about who I am. I read Byron Katie, more Marianne, Ekard Tolle, Carolyn Myss, and so many more. I was looking for the God/Goddess in me.

I became involved with the Oneness movement. I became a Deeksha giver. Now there was a feeling of Godliness. Suddenly, I started to feel alive in a different way from Martini's and good food.
I felt like I had been given the privilege to channel God's Light. Something in me cracked open. I did not know if I was seeping out or the world was moving in. But, God mattered now.

When my Mother passed I nearly died.No matter how much I prepared for this inevitable event, no matter the hardship we had been through as mother and daughter, nothing prepared me for the overwhelming sorrow I experienced. And the loss. Not just of her but of what had been my family. What had been my friends. It was a crushing and numbing blow. I could barely stand up. I had none of my power, my strength, my gumption, my get-it-done.  I had and was -nothing. I was alone up in the hills of Mosier. Fulfilled  to get one thing done a day.

And I was still searching. I read my Marianne books and decided that I wanted to find A Course in Miracles and six months after mom passed a class became available. I jumped in. I did my lessons each morning before I left the house. And slowly the pain eased. I felt able to connect to others, in particular my yoga group of Dudes. I felt as though I was coming up for air after a long, deep dive into murky waters. The simple gift of kindness demonstrated by my group was amazing in simplicity. And the course was opening my heart to forgiveness.

The Course changed me, it opened me up to love and forgiveness and faith. After my mom passed, I did not think I could ever survive the betrayal I felt. But the Course taught me that to hold all that, would never free me and that only in asking for atonement would I ever be at peace. And  by surrendering my unhappiness and disappointment and fear, would I ever be present to the love available all around me. I have looked back at my life and know that this has been all I have ever wanted. To love. To love the beauty in the world, in all those babies I witnessed being born, to all the sweet laughter of children, to love people just because I can. I was never wrong in this, just off the path. I thought that what other people thought about me mattered. I thought I was too sensitive, when I was just gifted with sensitivity. I thought I was not like other people, I was different in a bad way, when all I was was just like them in search for a more profound meaning in my life.

As a child I wanted to be wise, like my father, and now I am. I own it, my knowledge about many things is endless and available. I did not live this life with my eyes closed, with my hands over my ears. I have been awake all along. I have been paying attention. And it all brings me to the now, the present that which matters, that which I have control over. This is all there is in this lifetime. And I am loving it and every other person, sight, sound I can. Just because-I can.

Understanding a conflicted sister

The mind of God has no conflict. It is of Love. So, what happens when we find ourselves in huge conflict about loving someone we can't forgive?

Family conflict and marriage conflicts seem insurmountable. We say, "how can they have done that, how can I ever forgive that". And from that moment on we define the culprit by that particular action. We forget every bit of love, kindness, laughter, fun, compassion they ever showed us up until now and we condemn them forever. Funny.

I remember speaking to a friend a few years ago as she was reaching the end of her marriage. She was bitter and angry as many of us are at infidelity. And I asked her, "what about the other 23 years, was he a good husband and father? Do you remember that moment when he looked into your eyes when your first child was born? The love that he had for you?" "Can you really negate all of that because he created a way for you to be free ?" My experience had been that her husband was fun, pushy, but he kept her safe for so many years and he was an outstanding father. And though I do not think infidelity is a smart move in building a family, I do not think it warrants hate and bitterness and an ugly divorce which can have repercussions on the whole family. I think she got it, and as she proceeded through the divorce she realized that his behavior had nothing to do with her, that he made choices that only he had to live with and that she was free to be who she was-a goddess of love and kindness. That he would walk away from that was not her problem. And she was able to let him go-to forgive him. She did not have to like him she just had to see that it was okay to let it go. For the good of all.

People are defined by their behavior more often that by who they really are. Where we feel conflict we are not seeing the love. It seems hard sometimes to see this, I know, but when we look beyond a person's behavior we will see that we are all alike, we all came into the world hungry for love. I birthed babies for over 30 years, not a one of them came into the world looking for trouble. They came in awe, little sponges of love. What they became is what they were taught or what they witnessed. And it is not who they are at the core. People are not their behavior and when we understand this, we can see through their bull shit and see the pain, the sadness, the cry for love.

Lately  I have noticed that the media is linking love to Oxytocin as though that is the only thing that creates love in a mother, "she is filled with oxytocin". Really? So, it is a chemical that makes us feel love and now we can get a dose from our doctor?

Love is of God and the Spirit. And the more you Love the more you receive Love. If your oxytocin levels elevate when you feel love, which came first-the love or the drug?

Love is not a chemical. It is a complete mind/heart experience, a connection to a higher power, to God, Spirit, to the All. And the more you find to Love in the world, the more Love will find you. Think about it, you love your partner deeply (where is that?), you love your babies (unfathomable how deeply), you love the smell of roses, the skin of your lover, the sound of the ocean, the feel of soft sand under your feet. Love is available everywhere you are, whenever you want it. You only need to set aside your ego mind and be present.  And in doing so, we open up to the ability to find the good in others, even in their bad behavior moments. You don't have to like their behavior, their bitterness, anger, resentment or pain, but in order to create change you must look to their deeper self, the child in them and know that there is love there waiting to be recognized. You chose to be more open to Love and be loved. Go out there and look for it in everything. Look at strangers, the grocery cashier, the gas station attendant. Love is there. And the more you recognize it, the more love you will attract into your life. God Bless!!

Mother Daughter Love-Baby Steps

One year after my mother passed I would get excited because I could get two tasks done in a day. Before my mother died I could get five, six and seven tasks done in a day. I don't mean every day
tasks such as getting up, having coffee, cleaning house. But biking, shopping, visiting, gardening, driving. That first year, I could hardly get out of bed. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about all that had occurred during the passing of my mom, how much I missed her and whether or not I've done everything right. Had I been a good daughter?? Did she know I loved her? Did she love me?

It was a painful time in my life as it is in most daughters lives after their mother's pass. Suddenly our lives and our relationship with our mothers begins to pass through our minds. I think back to moments of being in her lap when I was just a little girl and feeling so secure. I remember my resentment as a teenager to her rules about how I needed to live my life. I remember how disgusted I
was when she gave me the Emily Post book on manners. I remember the day she stepped off the bus in Gainesville on a visit and told me that my friend Karen's dad passed away. And the instant I knew how much Karen was hurting. I remember living in the Caribbean and our late night skinny dips off the end of the boat. I remember all the fabulous places we traveled together. I remember laughing until my stomach hurt at our private jokes.

 Near the end I remember the magic moments. Those are the moments I remember now to get me through the night. I remember doing a Depok Chopra meditation together while resting on her bed. I remember brushing her hair and how much she enjoyed it. It reminded me of when she brushed my hair when I was a child. I remember how much she enjoyed having me scrub her back when she showered. And I know how much she appreciated it all and they were magic moments for her,too.

 I also remember all the exasperating moments. I remember how frustrated I was when she didn't understand what I was talking about. Or when she got angry for no reason. We had a very turbulent relationship being both of us goddesses. I felt the guilt of how I spoke to her at times. And her mean streak. Yet she was so smart. I was always amazed at what she knew about art and culture. To go to a museum with her was like being in heaven together. She was a talented artist. She had been to so many places in the world. And she was beautiful especially at the end. 

Today I hold her close in my heart. I look into my eyes in the mirror and I see her. And I'm so grateful now. Because of her I am who I am. And I want to emulate her in so many ways. She surrounded herself with outstanding people. She had many friends. 

It all took baby steps. Just taking one simple task a day and being proud of being able to do it. Maybe it was just to cook a meal. One simple task a day and being proud of being able to do it. Maybe it was just to take a small walk. Maybe to just to get out of bed. And to be kind to yourself when others don't understand. To give yourself a break instead of second-guessing everything. To know that grief is a normal process in life and drugs may not be the answer to it. Sometimes we just have to grieve. We need to feel it all the way into our bones because she is in there. Our mothers are everything about us and we have a right to feel the loss. 

I took great comfort in the shower. There I could cry and lament and let go of some of it in privacy. I could wash away my sadness for a little while. I talked to God while I was in the shower. I asked for his forgiveness and his guidance. I'd ask him "why can't I handle this"? Today I have so much gratitude for the learning and the love that has grown from this experience. I wish she was here to share it. I think she would be proud. In a world where we want answers immediately , grief is something that is overlooked and under credited. Take the time feel it, love it and let it go. This is how we heal from the loss of our mothers. We accept the pain and sorrow. We allow it so that we can move through it toward the light of living again in fullness.We just need to take baby steps.

Where is the Light?

Sometimes we wonder, where is the light? Some of us actually wonder "what is the Light"?

 I do not. I know and recognize the Light in everyone I see now. Sometimes it is just a small flame of inner Light and other times it blasts from their Being like a Blessed lighthouse on a stormy sea. We are attracted to it and sometimes are confused as to why. Some people's Light is so dim we cannot see it or  we believe their Light is out.

It is never gone, just covered by so many layers of unprocessed events and belief systems. These are the lost ones. The "unlovables, the bad ones, the evil ones, jihad, psychos, madmen". They are the ones whose Light is beaten down to nothing but a spark that is barely there. It needs the fuel of love and forgiveness and that cold tiny spark of Light can grow warmer.

We live in a world of fear today. Fear does not feed the flame of  Light in any of us. It is the pretender, it is the ego playing God. Fear serves nothing but to cause us to distrust our faith, our world, our neighbor. Fear causes us to judge and belittle those who are lost and are out of touch with their own Light inside them. Sending them our Light and love heals. Judging and condemning does not.

We see the Light in children; they do not. They don't actually know what it is, but we see it in them often. We see when they are screaming with excitement, when they focus so intensely on a bug, when they crawl into our laps for love and comfort. Their Light shows brightly. We see it in their eyes in wonder and our Light is reflected in that moment. You know what I am talking about, that moment when you look with Love at them and your whole Being is warmed and there is nothing else in the world but this moment of sharing the Light. Call it Love but it comes from within your heart, your Being. And it connects us to our children, to our parents, to our families, friends. The Light in us can be so powerful! It is how we heal the world. It is how we heal a skinned knee. It is not the medicine or the band-aid, it is the Love and Light of our Being that connects to the hurt and heals it.

"The peace of God is shining in me now." Lesson 188-ACIM

Faith has been tested these last 20-30 years. Many of us have questioned and then walked away because faith in God did not make sense. Call it Buddha, Allah, Hinduism, Catholicism, Christianity, and so many other faces of God. Others searched the world seeking understanding. Some religions took a strangle hold on its devotees, while others taught about love and peace and harmony. And rather than recognize the common denominator, we formed opinions and prejudices and moved away.
Our world is in turmoil and we wonder what happened. My guess, we are the lost lambs of God. We have strayed from the path of faith, any faith. We have moved away from faith in love and light in all of us, not just the chosen few. We put value in things, famous people, more things, things outside ourselves. Things we have little control over. Many are either sheeples or in disconnect.

 How do we reconnect?

We look inside, we reconnect to the peace and love and the Light inside of us. We have always had it. It is where we began. In the wonder of love and Light of being born. In the happiness of our childhoods. We remember to appreciate the Magic Moments. We take a minute or five each morning and we connect to our hearts before the world of chaos takes over. Light a candle and focus on the flame. Pray for the love in your heart to grow just a little bit. Take a moment to find forgiveness in something or someone who you believe needs it. See the Light in you and then spend the day seeing the Light in others. Those you know as well as strangers. The Light of Love and Faith will begin to show itself more and more to you. You will find yourself smiling for no good reason. You will see something amazing and feel the childlike awe of Life.You may become aware of the sweet song of a bird, the whisper of the wind through the trees.
You are in the moment of now and in touch with your Light. Smile. Be Light. Amen!