We Teach to Learn

 

One of the greatest lessons from the Course in Miracles  is that to teach is to learn and the other way around. I have learned that every situation, good, bad, ugly is a lesson. The work is whether or not you get it. The lesson does not have to be some huge AHA moment or a humbling experience, it has to be an opportunity to grow. Growth is movement. And it the middle of this movement is forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves as well as others. Forgiving ourselves for not seeing things more clearly, for not deciding differently, for putting up with stuff our sane mind would never tolerate, for not being stronger and so much more. We are hardest on ourselves. Forgiveness for not recognizing our own grace!! Compared to that, forgiving others is, well, interesting.

How do we do this? As in the Wizard of Oz, you must have brain, a heart, courage and a desire to go home. 

People are not just their actions, they have a long history of life behind them that has shaped their decisions, behaviors, even their bodies. And, sometimes, we do not get to understand   WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. Another great lesson for me. 

"Why?" "Why not?" "Why would they do that?" The questions go on and on. The Book says that this is the Ego talking, creating doubt, gaslighting you. Now ,mind you, the Ego has its place but in today's society it has run rampant and out of control and it kills. People, hopes, dreams, families. So, it does take a little work and Faith to calm it down and see the Truth before you. 

I never believed that newborns were born "dumb". I looked into the eyes of enough babies in my 26 years in Labor and Delivery to know that there is something magnetic about those eyes. When you are born with a brain that is one third your body weight, it can not be completely empty and there is plenty of research to support that now. They're  a juicy sponge, they hear clearly, they have a powerful smell receptor, they can sense movement, they can quickly learn to communicate, they dream. This was always a mystery to me while holding a newborn, their body  twitch, their eyes  move under their lids,  their lips  move. I would wonder, WHAT ARE THEY DREAMING? They have been in a warm dark womb for nine months!!!! Are they remembering comversation that happened while they were inside? Are they remembering a past life? Why?

So it is in life we learn to shut down our hearts as though this is the only way to get through stuff. And the key here is that we do get through it. For some it seems impossible and others they tuck away the disappointment and pain. Some just get up and say, NEXT! There are so many options for this. It is important to remember that each event, each tragic moment , each loss offers you a gift, a learning. It may take a bit to see this but when you look back it comes to you. The look of love on your spouses face the moment your first child is born,  a celebrated birthday, intimacy, sharing an ice cream together, buying your first home. All are what makes up the tapestry of your lifetime together-long or short. And that is what your lesson is. Not the behavior or the decisions made in the end. Why hold on to that? Why not hold on to the good and great that occurred on the journey? 

It is a learning. To stop the negative self talk and  try a little tenderness. For yourself. Think of one of those magic moments and be grateful for it. Recognize what you are fearing, and, talk about it. Get it in the open, write it down and learn to forgive it and let it go. Tiny steps for inner peace. Follow the movement of the trees as the breeze blows through. Focus on a hummingbird and the miraculousness of its movements. Love on an animal. Talk with someone and listen. Tiny steps to peace and freedom and harmony. Be present for someone. Be the lesson you want to share.
Be the Love you wish to see.

Mother Daughter Love-Baby Steps

One year after my mother passed I would get excited because I could get two tasks done in a day. Before my mother died I could get five, six and seven tasks done in a day. I don't mean every day
tasks such as getting up, having coffee, cleaning house. But biking, shopping, visiting, gardening, driving. That first year, I could hardly get out of bed. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about all that had occurred during the passing of my mom, how much I missed her and whether or not I've done everything right. Had I been a good daughter?? Did she know I loved her? Did she love me?

It was a painful time in my life as it is in most daughters lives after their mother's pass. Suddenly our lives and our relationship with our mothers begins to pass through our minds. I think back to moments of being in her lap when I was just a little girl and feeling so secure. I remember my resentment as a teenager to her rules about how I needed to live my life. I remember how disgusted I
was when she gave me the Emily Post book on manners. I remember the day she stepped off the bus in Gainesville on a visit and told me that my friend Karen's dad passed away. And the instant I knew how much Karen was hurting. I remember living in the Caribbean and our late night skinny dips off the end of the boat. I remember all the fabulous places we traveled together. I remember laughing until my stomach hurt at our private jokes.

 Near the end I remember the magic moments. Those are the moments I remember now to get me through the night. I remember doing a Depok Chopra meditation together while resting on her bed. I remember brushing her hair and how much she enjoyed it. It reminded me of when she brushed my hair when I was a child. I remember how much she enjoyed having me scrub her back when she showered. And I know how much she appreciated it all and they were magic moments for her,too.

 I also remember all the exasperating moments. I remember how frustrated I was when she didn't understand what I was talking about. Or when she got angry for no reason. We had a very turbulent relationship being both of us goddesses. I felt the guilt of how I spoke to her at times. And her mean streak. Yet she was so smart. I was always amazed at what she knew about art and culture. To go to a museum with her was like being in heaven together. She was a talented artist. She had been to so many places in the world. And she was beautiful especially at the end. 

Today I hold her close in my heart. I look into my eyes in the mirror and I see her. And I'm so grateful now. Because of her I am who I am. And I want to emulate her in so many ways. She surrounded herself with outstanding people. She had many friends. 

It all took baby steps. Just taking one simple task a day and being proud of being able to do it. Maybe it was just to cook a meal. One simple task a day and being proud of being able to do it. Maybe it was just to take a small walk. Maybe to just to get out of bed. And to be kind to yourself when others don't understand. To give yourself a break instead of second-guessing everything. To know that grief is a normal process in life and drugs may not be the answer to it. Sometimes we just have to grieve. We need to feel it all the way into our bones because she is in there. Our mothers are everything about us and we have a right to feel the loss. 

I took great comfort in the shower. There I could cry and lament and let go of some of it in privacy. I could wash away my sadness for a little while. I talked to God while I was in the shower. I asked for his forgiveness and his guidance. I'd ask him "why can't I handle this"? Today I have so much gratitude for the learning and the love that has grown from this experience. I wish she was here to share it. I think she would be proud. In a world where we want answers immediately , grief is something that is overlooked and under credited. Take the time feel it, love it and let it go. This is how we heal from the loss of our mothers. We accept the pain and sorrow. We allow it so that we can move through it toward the light of living again in fullness.We just need to take baby steps.