Before You Judge, Read This

 

Who Are We to Judge?

Who are we to judge? Who are we to shame?

Every interaction involves two personalities—mine and someone else’s. Who they are, and who I am. And more importantly, how I choose to respond or react.

But what about the people who feel entitled to shame others? What gives them the right to call me, or anyone else, shameful or a disgrace to my profession simply because I choose to share what I believe?

Do they think I speak carelessly, without thought or conviction? Do they assume that because they disagree with me, I must be uninformed, reckless, or even dangerous? What compels them to believe that disagreement justifies disrespect? That their feelings give them license to insult, to label, to diminish?

Who are they to judge me?

I could ask the same of myself. When I share my own thoughts—whether about life, society, or even politics—am I, in my own way, guilty of the same thing? Am I shaming others without realizing it? Do I believe, deep down, that I am more educated, more informed, more rational than those who see the world differently?

It’s a fine line, isn’t it?

For example, I may not fully understand why someone feels the need to change their gender, but who am I to say they are wrong? And yet, if I say, "Well, if someone can feel they were meant to be a different gender, then why can't I say I was meant to have a different body—one with a flatter stomach and larger breasts—and have the government pay for it?"—am I questioning the principle, or am I diminishing someone else’s experience?

And if I ask that question, does that mean I deserve to be shamed, called names, or dismissed as ignorant?

What drives people to react with such hostility, rather than curiosity?

Maybe it’s fear. Fear that their own beliefs might be challenged. Fear that if they don’t attack first, they might have to examine their own convictions more closely.

Maybe it’s ego. The need to be right, to feel superior, to prove a point at any cost.

Or maybe, just maybe, they’ve forgotten that disagreement doesn’t have to mean disrespect.

It’s easy to judge. It’s harder to listen. It’s easy to attack. It’s harder to pause and reflect.

Maybe the real challenge isn’t in having the right answers, but in being willing to sit with the discomfort of not knowing.

Maybe the true strength isn’t in proving a point, but in asking better questions.

Maybe, just maybe, judgment isn’t our job.

Maybe, kindness is.

Serious as a Hang Grenade (or a Heart Attack)

                               

                       

       When is enough enough? 

I am almost 70 years old and I am still learning and growing my boundaries. I find it difficult to create boundaries as a woman even today because the absolute feminine in us as women says “be nice”, “she/he’s just having a bad day” for the hundredth, maybe thousandth  time. And do it now. Don’t wait-they might die before you figure it out.

 I've been thinking about what motivated me to change my boundaries in the past.

Most importantly, I did not want the pain of it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be open to finding a better way to deal. And I wanted to grow. Being who I was when I was “bad” wasn’t fun or pretty or respected. My family history leaned toward mean and toxic arguing.

So I dove in. I read books on anger, codependency, NLP and so much more. I attended seminars, groups, therapy, coaching, retreats, certification programs, gobbling up information and understanding of what my feelings were and what they were doing to me and the world around me.

I had been such a sucker for a sad story (someone else's story). And I found that I drew women to me who wanted my new and emerging power and strength for themselves. Only they did not want to do the work. And soon the energy and joy was being sucked right out of me. Their attrations was their need for me and it was draining.

Tony would say, “who you hang out with is who you become”. I am an introvert, it was a challenge for me to hang out with women who were more powerful and aware than I. But, I did it anyway. In their circle of light, I began to find my way to my own. And many of the friends who taught me what I did not want soon found their way to their own path, or back to the search for the “right” teacher.

The incredible pull between  “do what is right for me” and “be kind, understanding, forgiving to toxic behavior” is strong. So strong that it has affected my health. 

I had an ER visit yesterday. I was sitting in on a staff meeting, totally awesome  leadership when I suddenly started to feel off. I was feeling some discomfort in my chest and I was burping alot. I drank water and the discomfort would return in about 5 minutes. I started to feel light headed and nauseous and SCARED. I asked a co-worker to take my blood pressure and it was SKY HIGH!! I check my b/p weekly or more because I am on meds for it.

 I instantly started to cry. 

“Not now, not this ( a heart attack?), I have errands to do today!!!” My friend said, “why don’t we walk down to the ER and see what’s going on”.  I was falling apart.

After I was settled in and tests were being done I asked the PA, “what would cause this sudden increase (since there were no signs of any heart attack) and he said, “stress”.  I thought, “I am not stressed, I work part time, I do yoga, I love my abode, my cat, the ferals, my life in the country. I don’t have any stress!” 

Then, I got home. I had a text and I realized, “OH MY GODDESS! This is what it’s about!” So, I spent some more time thinking about this toxic situation that I was trying to understand and move through. 

I want to do the right thing. But for whom!?!?!?!? I have to figure out a way to rewrite the story because the blood pressure thing is as real as a hand grenade (or a heart attack)! I knew when this toxic event was going on that I was feeling it at a level I did not want in my life. And I felt okay after, yet it was there waiting for the best moment to show up -somewhere where I was safe, at work, near the ER. 

By choosing me, I am honoring my boundaries that took me so many years to understand and appreciate. I will always help others but I will not carry them.  I am not responsible for their life choices, their past. I am not a punching bag. I may not be perfect, but I am honorable and worthy of respect. So I choose me. For now, I am choosing present moments as though today is my only day. I am loving the people who love, respect and honor who I am as I will do the same for them. 

                                                              I chose me.

We Teach to Learn

 

One of the greatest lessons from the Course in Miracles  is that to teach is to learn and the other way around. I have learned that every situation, good, bad, ugly is a lesson. The work is whether or not you get it. The lesson does not have to be some huge AHA moment or a humbling experience, it has to be an opportunity to grow. Growth is movement. And it the middle of this movement is forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves as well as others. Forgiving ourselves for not seeing things more clearly, for not deciding differently, for putting up with stuff our sane mind would never tolerate, for not being stronger and so much more. We are hardest on ourselves. Forgiveness for not recognizing our own grace!! Compared to that, forgiving others is, well, interesting.

How do we do this? As in the Wizard of Oz, you must have brain, a heart, courage and a desire to go home. 

People are not just their actions, they have a long history of life behind them that has shaped their decisions, behaviors, even their bodies. And, sometimes, we do not get to understand   WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. Another great lesson for me. 

"Why?" "Why not?" "Why would they do that?" The questions go on and on. The Book says that this is the Ego talking, creating doubt, gaslighting you. Now ,mind you, the Ego has its place but in today's society it has run rampant and out of control and it kills. People, hopes, dreams, families. So, it does take a little work and Faith to calm it down and see the Truth before you. 

I never believed that newborns were born "dumb". I looked into the eyes of enough babies in my 26 years in Labor and Delivery to know that there is something magnetic about those eyes. When you are born with a brain that is one third your body weight, it can not be completely empty and there is plenty of research to support that now. They're  a juicy sponge, they hear clearly, they have a powerful smell receptor, they can sense movement, they can quickly learn to communicate, they dream. This was always a mystery to me while holding a newborn, their body  twitch, their eyes  move under their lids,  their lips  move. I would wonder, WHAT ARE THEY DREAMING? They have been in a warm dark womb for nine months!!!! Are they remembering comversation that happened while they were inside? Are they remembering a past life? Why?

So it is in life we learn to shut down our hearts as though this is the only way to get through stuff. And the key here is that we do get through it. For some it seems impossible and others they tuck away the disappointment and pain. Some just get up and say, NEXT! There are so many options for this. It is important to remember that each event, each tragic moment , each loss offers you a gift, a learning. It may take a bit to see this but when you look back it comes to you. The look of love on your spouses face the moment your first child is born,  a celebrated birthday, intimacy, sharing an ice cream together, buying your first home. All are what makes up the tapestry of your lifetime together-long or short. And that is what your lesson is. Not the behavior or the decisions made in the end. Why hold on to that? Why not hold on to the good and great that occurred on the journey? 

It is a learning. To stop the negative self talk and  try a little tenderness. For yourself. Think of one of those magic moments and be grateful for it. Recognize what you are fearing, and, talk about it. Get it in the open, write it down and learn to forgive it and let it go. Tiny steps for inner peace. Follow the movement of the trees as the breeze blows through. Focus on a hummingbird and the miraculousness of its movements. Love on an animal. Talk with someone and listen. Tiny steps to peace and freedom and harmony. Be present for someone. Be the lesson you want to share.
Be the Love you wish to see.

Fear and the Committee of Monkeys

I was reviewing my old posts and found one labelled, "Fear". When I opened it, I found that it was blank. Ya gotta love that!

I have so little fear anymore. I have faith. I have faith because all that fear and worry brought me nothing. I am not talking about the fear when hair on the back of your neck stands up or when your inner being says, "this is not right, step away", I am talking about all the fear created in falsehood by the ego. The fear that serves nothing. The fear of things we have no control over (even if we wish we did), fear of future events that may or may not happen, fear of a giant meteor crashing into the surface of the earth. Fear is the retardant of presence. Let me repeat that, FEAR IS THE RETARDANT OF PRESENCE.

We cannot practice presence while in a state of fear. Anxiety disorder is the inability to be present and the Ego's fine job of  broadcasting every little fear you may have ever had or may ever have in the future. Anxiety disorder is a result of not learning or being taught how to cope with ego mind.
I used to call it my committee of monkeys when I finally figured out that it was in my head. Oh the ego had a blast with me. I had the critic monkey, the bitch monkey, the doubt monkey, the monkey of unworthiness, the monkey of successful failure. I began to see them as little goblins on my shoulders, one on one side saying "oh, that was stupid" and the other side "who'd believe you".  Fear was pretty rampant and my steps back then were small, oh let me be truthful, they were teeny, tiny.  The funny thing is when I began to see the fear monkeys on my shoulders, they didn't have as much control of over my head. Some days I could just flick them off. And the more I flicked them off, the less they spoke negatively. Pretty soon there were only one or two of them and they were easy to control.
My mind started to get quiet. I started to meditate for short periods of time. I'd sit on the beach and just get quiet by listening to the birds and waves and smelling the water and feeling the breeze and the sand. When I concentrated on those things my mind relaxed. I felt immeasurably  more peaceful. Even my body relaxed. The committee started saying things like, "wow, this is so sweet". Yep, they began to enjoy this as well. And their language changed. The words they said were words of kindness and encouragement.

With practice I took this exercise everywhere in nature. I meditated on mountain ridges, snowy hillsides, in the woods, while snorkeling and scuba diving (just the getting quiet part), on road trips, sitting in front of the fire, standing in the rain and I welcomed the presence of the world/universe/God into my being. Rare is it that monkeys of old show up. By being present I have diminished the negative power of the ego. It is still there and works to remind me when I am in a negative place. But it no longer controls my thoughts. Fears worthiness in its proper place; there to protect me not consume me.