Producing Video at the Gracious Age of Seventy

It is a GREY and misty day out today. I was out early for my feral fix. It was warm and still dry. There were so many birds around and the bird feeders were empty. So I filled them and watched the unferals race around like their tails were on fire. Funny kitties! I messed with a few plants, and  threw dirt into the comppost. I had planned to walk but it became dull and rainy. Even the cats don't want to walk in it. 

I spent time editing a video on capcut. It is like rewiring your brain. I can't describe it any other way. Young people get right in there and create these amazing videos and here's the thing. They did not just sit down and make the video. Their brain is trained differently. They learned early to edit. Could be a life hack!!

 Todays video edit was easier than its been. Still not easy but getting there. And the end result, though not perfect, is smoother. An improvement, for sure. I have been working at creating good video for almost three years, I think. I can remember saying out loud, "I will never do video", and here I am doing it. I have created over 200 videos on my phone. Staggering!!

It is hard in the beginning for the Ageless to video ourselves. It is because we are not supposed to be self-admiring. And we do that as we begin sharing ourselves in video. We are super conscious of how we imagine we are supposed to look. Actually how we see ourselves in the mirror is not how you may see us. It's a thing.

 I remember the first hundred or so pictures of myself -just pictures-after I turned 50 and how I found something wrong with every one of them. I suddenly became a critic of my appearence and it was never nice. And then I'd think, "well that isn't good, I don't look professional, smart, pretty, courageous, likable"and so much more. What finally convinced me to push the "share" button was being reminded that this is how others see me everyday. When I am not looking in a mirror, this is what I look like, so get used to it. Find something else to fret about.

It was tough. And then came the videos. They seemed so fake to me. But, when I worked with my coach on the first video project for nurses, she helped by editing the videos and when I saw them, I was impressed. I thought, "I'd listen to this person". 

Suddenly, I liked the videos. I listened to the whole program as we put it together and what I wasn't noticing was how my hair looked or my makeup. I was seeing the gift in what I was sharing in the program.  It is the content that really matters. And I have content to share. Even that came as a surprise to me.

Here's the thing, when you get to a certain age, you can't be thinking , "I didn't do much in my life, I don't have any qualities, I don't have anything to share". That is a lie! Every woman that has reached a certain age has been through something that another younger woman thinks she will not survive. 

These are your gifts, your shares. These are some of the things I share in video. And it stimulates my creative juices. It also reminds me that I too have lived through events. I hate using the word but I have 'survived' and there is always a story in those decisions and bumps in the road of my life. Those are what books are made of.  

So when you are ready to do video shares, don't be afraid!

Be Brilliant! Be Courageous! Save a life with your story!

Am I enough?

Again, I am learning something new or more advanced at 70+.

 

 Is it because I feel bored? 

Is there some kind of expectation that because I am Cis Ahearn, that I will finally find something other than nursing that I am successful at?

Have I not met my purpose by being a nurse for 50+ years, traveling all over the world, doing most outdoor snow sports, working out at some of the most amazing health clubs in the USA, been at yoga since I was 21, and on and on? 

Who am I trying to please?

 Who am I trying to impress? 

Retiring and the following 4 years, while interesting, was mostly a disaster with my funds. I can't lie, I followed a few rabbits down a few holes. Bad holes. But, I keep getting up, brushing off my butt or my knees and taking off again. The most important thoughts about this have been about gratitude. It is how I managed.

I mean, who am I to complain? I have a roof over my head, I live in my dream location. I have food in my fridge and cabinets. Warm water to shower in. I have clothing for winter weather. A car. Gasoline in my tank. And so much more. I believe I have enough.  

My rules about this may be the challenge. 

Is having "enough" enough? 

Maybe I hold the bar too low. Maybe if I was a person who thought they needed more of everything, I might have more....of everything. 

Somewhere I learned that I never had enough. That I was never enough. And I will grant you, that value came from me. I fought hard, I put up with a lot of criticism, complaints and negative feedback on who I was supposed to be vs who I wanted to be. But, especially with family, it  and I were never enough. Not a doctor, not married,  not a book producer, not enough. 

So to keep my head above water, I did a lot!! I kept in perpetual motion. I travelled, I moved for jobs in all sorts of places. I drove cross-country over 15 times. I met so many people who typically, I would pick their brains, "what makes you tick", "what makes you so successful" and so many more questions all to prove to myself I wasn't enough and that the answers are out there, I just need to ask the right person the right question and I would be enough.

I have had times where I did have "everything". I great job (many actually), money in the bank and in an 401K, a home, clothes, trips, cars, and I was happy mostly. Maybe I didn't appreciate it enough. I know I was grateful for the gifts. I was grateful for the experiences-good and not so good. But, was I enough?

I even taped the words, "I Am Enough!" over my bed in a little attic room I rented one a month vacation I took to Steamboat Springs. I had started a new training, "Robbins-Madanas Training" on strategic Intervention and Life Coaching. I had already spent 8 years in the Tony Robbins environment as a participant, volunteer and Senior Leader. I was still asking questions and still not enough.

I think somewhere deep inside me, there is some little thing someone said or did that is buried like a burr in my soul, saying "you will never amout to anything". I remember where those words came from. 

How could I after all these years give any power to them, considering where they came from? That barbed arrow went deep. But, is it true? 

Am I enough? 

And according to who's rules?

 Does feeling 'not enough' explain my lack of follow through, my lack of financial stability, my lack of self worth? 

I can't say it is a result of not searching for answers, I have been on the hunt for decades. 

Therapy, coaching, time alone in the wild, on the road, on the beach. 

I require down time, I always have and it helps to ground me for sure! 

But, has it answered the question for me? 

Has it unplugged the barb?

 Am I enough?

https://bit.ly/CisAhearn

Serious as a Hang Grenade (or a Heart Attack)

                               

                       

       When is enough enough? 

I am almost 70 years old and I am still learning and growing my boundaries. I find it difficult to create boundaries as a woman even today because the absolute feminine in us as women says “be nice”, “she/he’s just having a bad day” for the hundredth, maybe thousandth  time. And do it now. Don’t wait-they might die before you figure it out.

 I've been thinking about what motivated me to change my boundaries in the past.

Most importantly, I did not want the pain of it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be open to finding a better way to deal. And I wanted to grow. Being who I was when I was “bad” wasn’t fun or pretty or respected. My family history leaned toward mean and toxic arguing.

So I dove in. I read books on anger, codependency, NLP and so much more. I attended seminars, groups, therapy, coaching, retreats, certification programs, gobbling up information and understanding of what my feelings were and what they were doing to me and the world around me.

I had been such a sucker for a sad story (someone else's story). And I found that I drew women to me who wanted my new and emerging power and strength for themselves. Only they did not want to do the work. And soon the energy and joy was being sucked right out of me. Their attrations was their need for me and it was draining.

Tony would say, “who you hang out with is who you become”. I am an introvert, it was a challenge for me to hang out with women who were more powerful and aware than I. But, I did it anyway. In their circle of light, I began to find my way to my own. And many of the friends who taught me what I did not want soon found their way to their own path, or back to the search for the “right” teacher.

The incredible pull between  “do what is right for me” and “be kind, understanding, forgiving to toxic behavior” is strong. So strong that it has affected my health. 

I had an ER visit yesterday. I was sitting in on a staff meeting, totally awesome  leadership when I suddenly started to feel off. I was feeling some discomfort in my chest and I was burping alot. I drank water and the discomfort would return in about 5 minutes. I started to feel light headed and nauseous and SCARED. I asked a co-worker to take my blood pressure and it was SKY HIGH!! I check my b/p weekly or more because I am on meds for it.

 I instantly started to cry. 

“Not now, not this ( a heart attack?), I have errands to do today!!!” My friend said, “why don’t we walk down to the ER and see what’s going on”.  I was falling apart.

After I was settled in and tests were being done I asked the PA, “what would cause this sudden increase (since there were no signs of any heart attack) and he said, “stress”.  I thought, “I am not stressed, I work part time, I do yoga, I love my abode, my cat, the ferals, my life in the country. I don’t have any stress!” 

Then, I got home. I had a text and I realized, “OH MY GODDESS! This is what it’s about!” So, I spent some more time thinking about this toxic situation that I was trying to understand and move through. 

I want to do the right thing. But for whom!?!?!?!? I have to figure out a way to rewrite the story because the blood pressure thing is as real as a hand grenade (or a heart attack)! I knew when this toxic event was going on that I was feeling it at a level I did not want in my life. And I felt okay after, yet it was there waiting for the best moment to show up -somewhere where I was safe, at work, near the ER. 

By choosing me, I am honoring my boundaries that took me so many years to understand and appreciate. I will always help others but I will not carry them.  I am not responsible for their life choices, their past. I am not a punching bag. I may not be perfect, but I am honorable and worthy of respect. So I choose me. For now, I am choosing present moments as though today is my only day. I am loving the people who love, respect and honor who I am as I will do the same for them. 

                                                              I chose me.

We Teach to Learn

 

One of the greatest lessons from the Course in Miracles  is that to teach is to learn and the other way around. I have learned that every situation, good, bad, ugly is a lesson. The work is whether or not you get it. The lesson does not have to be some huge AHA moment or a humbling experience, it has to be an opportunity to grow. Growth is movement. And it the middle of this movement is forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves as well as others. Forgiving ourselves for not seeing things more clearly, for not deciding differently, for putting up with stuff our sane mind would never tolerate, for not being stronger and so much more. We are hardest on ourselves. Forgiveness for not recognizing our own grace!! Compared to that, forgiving others is, well, interesting.

How do we do this? As in the Wizard of Oz, you must have brain, a heart, courage and a desire to go home. 

People are not just their actions, they have a long history of life behind them that has shaped their decisions, behaviors, even their bodies. And, sometimes, we do not get to understand   WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. Another great lesson for me. 

"Why?" "Why not?" "Why would they do that?" The questions go on and on. The Book says that this is the Ego talking, creating doubt, gaslighting you. Now ,mind you, the Ego has its place but in today's society it has run rampant and out of control and it kills. People, hopes, dreams, families. So, it does take a little work and Faith to calm it down and see the Truth before you. 

I never believed that newborns were born "dumb". I looked into the eyes of enough babies in my 26 years in Labor and Delivery to know that there is something magnetic about those eyes. When you are born with a brain that is one third your body weight, it can not be completely empty and there is plenty of research to support that now. They're  a juicy sponge, they hear clearly, they have a powerful smell receptor, they can sense movement, they can quickly learn to communicate, they dream. This was always a mystery to me while holding a newborn, their body  twitch, their eyes  move under their lids,  their lips  move. I would wonder, WHAT ARE THEY DREAMING? They have been in a warm dark womb for nine months!!!! Are they remembering comversation that happened while they were inside? Are they remembering a past life? Why?

So it is in life we learn to shut down our hearts as though this is the only way to get through stuff. And the key here is that we do get through it. For some it seems impossible and others they tuck away the disappointment and pain. Some just get up and say, NEXT! There are so many options for this. It is important to remember that each event, each tragic moment , each loss offers you a gift, a learning. It may take a bit to see this but when you look back it comes to you. The look of love on your spouses face the moment your first child is born,  a celebrated birthday, intimacy, sharing an ice cream together, buying your first home. All are what makes up the tapestry of your lifetime together-long or short. And that is what your lesson is. Not the behavior or the decisions made in the end. Why hold on to that? Why not hold on to the good and great that occurred on the journey? 

It is a learning. To stop the negative self talk and  try a little tenderness. For yourself. Think of one of those magic moments and be grateful for it. Recognize what you are fearing, and, talk about it. Get it in the open, write it down and learn to forgive it and let it go. Tiny steps for inner peace. Follow the movement of the trees as the breeze blows through. Focus on a hummingbird and the miraculousness of its movements. Love on an animal. Talk with someone and listen. Tiny steps to peace and freedom and harmony. Be present for someone. Be the lesson you want to share.
Be the Love you wish to see.

Growing older with Grace and Unconditional SelfLove

I am immeasurably happy. I am so grateful for this shift to what is really important today. When I decided to really go nuts over my hair and cut out the unreal, the face that shined through just filled me with self love. I finally, unconditionally love who I am. How did I come to this? When I look in the mirror I see a lifetime of learning. I see well earned smile lines. I see a sparkling minx in my eyes. I see a silver crown of hair that I have hidden from myself for 30 years of color.

It is like waking up to sunshine on your face on a cold day. I get it. I have got it to give. It is a totally consuming feeling of deep love within. As I sit here looking out at this beautiful space I get to call home, I am in Love with every tree, leaf, rock, bird and the blue sky. All the gifts right here in front of my face. And it fills me and I want to burst with gratitude. How lucky am I to have all that I want and more?!?!?

According to my stars I am here in service to mankind-I had my astrological chart read in college. I did not understand it for so long, yes, I am a nurse and life coach, but , what took a long time to realize is-where my purpose grows is not always evident and I may never know where I have impacted a life. Yet every act of kindness, every smile shared with a stranger has an impact. Every moment of calm in a storm offers a gift when offered from the heart. I spent so much time fighting this belief  being angry and hiding the sweetness of myself inside for fear of discovery. But no more. Service to humankind is about loving others beyond belief, beyond our pre-concieved, hallucinated viewpoint of others. So simple, just love. Find one small thing about another person you might rather dislike and smile and be kind. I find that this brings out the Angel in everyone, maybe not right then, but soon.

 I live in gratitude and love for every person who has ever crossed my path, for the lessons I learned and un-learned as a result of your presence in my life. I love you still.

 Just one tender act changes lives.