Navigating friendships after 70 and two truths you should know about it.

 Being over 70, there are a few things you must know. 

1. You have had many friendships.
2. You will move on from some over time.
3. How you approach friendships has changed since you were younger.
4. How you depart them is not so difficult.
5. You are wiser than you think, as you have acquired the tools needed to navigate the comings and goings of them.

I spoke with a friend today who was unaware how wise she was as she worked her way through a parting of the ideologies of a friendsship. How she was processing an event that happened to her was beautiful to watch. She stated how she felt, asked questions she immediately had the correct answer for and quickly came up with a plan for how she would approach it. Magical to watch. 

This is the gift of aging. We have been traveling through life experiencing the pain and loss of some friendships and finally are ready to use what we have learned to process without losing ourselves in the equation. We just decide how we want to understand the experience and what we are willing to do to hold on or if we are willing to let go. No drama, no confusion on our part, just solution through self love and reflection. We have all the tools and experiences to survive and thrive. 

Remember when losing a friend or even having a big fight or disagreement with a friend left you hurt, confused and sometimes immobile? So many misunderstandings. Sometimes it would be over in five minutes. Some times it was beyond help, you just grew apart. And you can spend days, weeks, months trying to understand why. As we age we figure out that sometimes you don't get to understand. It just is. And it takes strength, courage  and love to just let go. There will be others.

As we age, our expectations of how others are as friends changes. Some things are easier to accept. People are who they are. And behavior does not equal a persons essence. What we see as "bad behavior" is often a result of lessons learned earlier in life, or pressures we put upon ourselves and those around us everyday . Sometimes we are reacting to belief systems we developed from our experiences. 

Yet we learn. 

We don't really have a choice in this. 

Or else we are left behind, hurt, misunderstood, angry, lost.

Now we know: sometimes there isn’t an answer.

It just ends.
And it takes strength, courage, and love — deep courage — to let go.
To look at your own vulnerability without shame.
To let the questions go unanswered.
To forgive them.
To forgive yourself.

Take a moment and think back to the ones that "got away". 

What can you learn from it?

Were you too tough or just setting boundaries? 

Were you growing away from values that no longer served you? 

Was it just time?

If you are over 70 you have. 

It is life. 

We live and learn, (sometimes over and over)and we move forward.

But it is what makes us Sages, Wise Women. 

You cannot go through this life without lessons!

Our present generation will be remembered for how much we were willing to learn at every step of our lives.  We read books, attend seminars, retreats, events and more, to satisfy our curiosity for life. We strive to understand the world so that we can be better in it. 

Media loves to make us out to be little old ladies in Moomoo's who need Depends to go to the store.

We are not that!

We now have opinions, experience in the working world, titles, homes, and yet, if we were to believe it, we would be the living dead, rather than the 

Most Powerful Legion of Women in the History of the World. 

Not just a few of us. 

We are MILLIONS!

Before You Judge, Read This

 

Who Are We to Judge?

Who are we to judge? Who are we to shame?

Every interaction involves two personalities—mine and someone else’s. Who they are, and who I am. And more importantly, how I choose to respond or react.

But what about the people who feel entitled to shame others? What gives them the right to call me, or anyone else, shameful or a disgrace to my profession simply because I choose to share what I believe?

Do they think I speak carelessly, without thought or conviction? Do they assume that because they disagree with me, I must be uninformed, reckless, or even dangerous? What compels them to believe that disagreement justifies disrespect? That their feelings give them license to insult, to label, to diminish?

Who are they to judge me?

I could ask the same of myself. When I share my own thoughts—whether about life, society, or even politics—am I, in my own way, guilty of the same thing? Am I shaming others without realizing it? Do I believe, deep down, that I am more educated, more informed, more rational than those who see the world differently?

It’s a fine line, isn’t it?

For example, I may not fully understand why someone feels the need to change their gender, but who am I to say they are wrong? And yet, if I say, "Well, if someone can feel they were meant to be a different gender, then why can't I say I was meant to have a different body—one with a flatter stomach and larger breasts—and have the government pay for it?"—am I questioning the principle, or am I diminishing someone else’s experience?

And if I ask that question, does that mean I deserve to be shamed, called names, or dismissed as ignorant?

What drives people to react with such hostility, rather than curiosity?

Maybe it’s fear. Fear that their own beliefs might be challenged. Fear that if they don’t attack first, they might have to examine their own convictions more closely.

Maybe it’s ego. The need to be right, to feel superior, to prove a point at any cost.

Or maybe, just maybe, they’ve forgotten that disagreement doesn’t have to mean disrespect.

It’s easy to judge. It’s harder to listen. It’s easy to attack. It’s harder to pause and reflect.

Maybe the real challenge isn’t in having the right answers, but in being willing to sit with the discomfort of not knowing.

Maybe the true strength isn’t in proving a point, but in asking better questions.

Maybe, just maybe, judgment isn’t our job.

Maybe, kindness is.

Producing Video at the Gracious Age of Seventy

It is a GREY and misty day out today. I was out early for my feral fix. It was warm and still dry. There were so many birds around and the bird feeders were empty. So I filled them and watched the unferals race around like their tails were on fire. Funny kitties! I messed with a few plants, and  threw dirt into the comppost. I had planned to walk but it became dull and rainy. Even the cats don't want to walk in it. 

I spent time editing a video on capcut. It is like rewiring your brain. I can't describe it any other way. Young people get right in there and create these amazing videos and here's the thing. They did not just sit down and make the video. Their brain is trained differently. They learned early to edit. Could be a life hack!!

 Todays video edit was easier than its been. Still not easy but getting there. And the end result, though not perfect, is smoother. An improvement, for sure. I have been working at creating good video for almost three years, I think. I can remember saying out loud, "I will never do video", and here I am doing it. I have created over 200 videos on my phone. Staggering!!

It is hard in the beginning for the Ageless to video ourselves. It is because we are not supposed to be self-admiring. And we do that as we begin sharing ourselves in video. We are super conscious of how we imagine we are supposed to look. Actually how we see ourselves in the mirror is not how you may see us. It's a thing.

 I remember the first hundred or so pictures of myself -just pictures-after I turned 50 and how I found something wrong with every one of them. I suddenly became a critic of my appearence and it was never nice. And then I'd think, "well that isn't good, I don't look professional, smart, pretty, courageous, likable"and so much more. What finally convinced me to push the "share" button was being reminded that this is how others see me everyday. When I am not looking in a mirror, this is what I look like, so get used to it. Find something else to fret about.

It was tough. And then came the videos. They seemed so fake to me. But, when I worked with my coach on the first video project for nurses, she helped by editing the videos and when I saw them, I was impressed. I thought, "I'd listen to this person". 

Suddenly, I liked the videos. I listened to the whole program as we put it together and what I wasn't noticing was how my hair looked or my makeup. I was seeing the gift in what I was sharing in the program.  It is the content that really matters. And I have content to share. Even that came as a surprise to me.

Here's the thing, when you get to a certain age, you can't be thinking , "I didn't do much in my life, I don't have any qualities, I don't have anything to share". That is a lie! Every woman that has reached a certain age has been through something that another younger woman thinks she will not survive. 

These are your gifts, your shares. These are some of the things I share in video. And it stimulates my creative juices. It also reminds me that I too have lived through events. I hate using the word but I have 'survived' and there is always a story in those decisions and bumps in the road of my life. Those are what books are made of.  

So when you are ready to do video shares, don't be afraid!

Be Brilliant! Be Courageous! Save a life with your story!

Am I enough?

Again, I am learning something new or more advanced at 70+.

 

 Is it because I feel bored? 

Is there some kind of expectation that because I am Cis Ahearn, that I will finally find something other than nursing that I am successful at?

Have I not met my purpose by being a nurse for 50+ years, traveling all over the world, doing most outdoor snow sports, working out at some of the most amazing health clubs in the USA, been at yoga since I was 21, and on and on? 

Who am I trying to please?

 Who am I trying to impress? 

Retiring and the following 4 years, while interesting, was mostly a disaster with my funds. I can't lie, I followed a few rabbits down a few holes. Bad holes. But, I keep getting up, brushing off my butt or my knees and taking off again. The most important thoughts about this have been about gratitude. It is how I managed.

I mean, who am I to complain? I have a roof over my head, I live in my dream location. I have food in my fridge and cabinets. Warm water to shower in. I have clothing for winter weather. A car. Gasoline in my tank. And so much more. I believe I have enough.  

My rules about this may be the challenge. 

Is having "enough" enough? 

Maybe I hold the bar too low. Maybe if I was a person who thought they needed more of everything, I might have more....of everything. 

Somewhere I learned that I never had enough. That I was never enough. And I will grant you, that value came from me. I fought hard, I put up with a lot of criticism, complaints and negative feedback on who I was supposed to be vs who I wanted to be. But, especially with family, it  and I were never enough. Not a doctor, not married,  not a book producer, not enough. 

So to keep my head above water, I did a lot!! I kept in perpetual motion. I travelled, I moved for jobs in all sorts of places. I drove cross-country over 15 times. I met so many people who typically, I would pick their brains, "what makes you tick", "what makes you so successful" and so many more questions all to prove to myself I wasn't enough and that the answers are out there, I just need to ask the right person the right question and I would be enough.

I have had times where I did have "everything". I great job (many actually), money in the bank and in an 401K, a home, clothes, trips, cars, and I was happy mostly. Maybe I didn't appreciate it enough. I know I was grateful for the gifts. I was grateful for the experiences-good and not so good. But, was I enough?

I even taped the words, "I Am Enough!" over my bed in a little attic room I rented one a month vacation I took to Steamboat Springs. I had started a new training, "Robbins-Madanas Training" on strategic Intervention and Life Coaching. I had already spent 8 years in the Tony Robbins environment as a participant, volunteer and Senior Leader. I was still asking questions and still not enough.

I think somewhere deep inside me, there is some little thing someone said or did that is buried like a burr in my soul, saying "you will never amout to anything". I remember where those words came from. 

How could I after all these years give any power to them, considering where they came from? That barbed arrow went deep. But, is it true? 

Am I enough? 

And according to who's rules?

 Does feeling 'not enough' explain my lack of follow through, my lack of financial stability, my lack of self worth? 

I can't say it is a result of not searching for answers, I have been on the hunt for decades. 

Therapy, coaching, time alone in the wild, on the road, on the beach. 

I require down time, I always have and it helps to ground me for sure! 

But, has it answered the question for me? 

Has it unplugged the barb?

 Am I enough?

https://bit.ly/CisAhearn

Tip # 2 Be Aware of the Ruts!!

Can't wait!! The book launch is coming!!! "Ageless Voices"

Serious as a Hang Grenade (or a Heart Attack)

                               

                       

       When is enough enough? 

I am almost 70 years old and I am still learning and growing my boundaries. I find it difficult to create boundaries as a woman even today because the absolute feminine in us as women says “be nice”, “she/he’s just having a bad day” for the hundredth, maybe thousandth  time. And do it now. Don’t wait-they might die before you figure it out.

 I've been thinking about what motivated me to change my boundaries in the past.

Most importantly, I did not want the pain of it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be open to finding a better way to deal. And I wanted to grow. Being who I was when I was “bad” wasn’t fun or pretty or respected. My family history leaned toward mean and toxic arguing.

So I dove in. I read books on anger, codependency, NLP and so much more. I attended seminars, groups, therapy, coaching, retreats, certification programs, gobbling up information and understanding of what my feelings were and what they were doing to me and the world around me.

I had been such a sucker for a sad story (someone else's story). And I found that I drew women to me who wanted my new and emerging power and strength for themselves. Only they did not want to do the work. And soon the energy and joy was being sucked right out of me. Their attrations was their need for me and it was draining.

Tony would say, “who you hang out with is who you become”. I am an introvert, it was a challenge for me to hang out with women who were more powerful and aware than I. But, I did it anyway. In their circle of light, I began to find my way to my own. And many of the friends who taught me what I did not want soon found their way to their own path, or back to the search for the “right” teacher.

The incredible pull between  “do what is right for me” and “be kind, understanding, forgiving to toxic behavior” is strong. So strong that it has affected my health. 

I had an ER visit yesterday. I was sitting in on a staff meeting, totally awesome  leadership when I suddenly started to feel off. I was feeling some discomfort in my chest and I was burping alot. I drank water and the discomfort would return in about 5 minutes. I started to feel light headed and nauseous and SCARED. I asked a co-worker to take my blood pressure and it was SKY HIGH!! I check my b/p weekly or more because I am on meds for it.

 I instantly started to cry. 

“Not now, not this ( a heart attack?), I have errands to do today!!!” My friend said, “why don’t we walk down to the ER and see what’s going on”.  I was falling apart.

After I was settled in and tests were being done I asked the PA, “what would cause this sudden increase (since there were no signs of any heart attack) and he said, “stress”.  I thought, “I am not stressed, I work part time, I do yoga, I love my abode, my cat, the ferals, my life in the country. I don’t have any stress!” 

Then, I got home. I had a text and I realized, “OH MY GODDESS! This is what it’s about!” So, I spent some more time thinking about this toxic situation that I was trying to understand and move through. 

I want to do the right thing. But for whom!?!?!?!? I have to figure out a way to rewrite the story because the blood pressure thing is as real as a hand grenade (or a heart attack)! I knew when this toxic event was going on that I was feeling it at a level I did not want in my life. And I felt okay after, yet it was there waiting for the best moment to show up -somewhere where I was safe, at work, near the ER. 

By choosing me, I am honoring my boundaries that took me so many years to understand and appreciate. I will always help others but I will not carry them.  I am not responsible for their life choices, their past. I am not a punching bag. I may not be perfect, but I am honorable and worthy of respect. So I choose me. For now, I am choosing present moments as though today is my only day. I am loving the people who love, respect and honor who I am as I will do the same for them. 

                                                              I chose me.