Serious as a Hang Grenade (or a Heart Attack)

                               

                       

       When is enough enough? 

I am almost 70 years old and I am still learning and growing my boundaries. I find it difficult to create boundaries as a woman even today because the absolute feminine in us as women says “be nice”, “she/he’s just having a bad day” for the hundredth, maybe thousandth  time. And do it now. Don’t wait-they might die before you figure it out.

 I've been thinking about what motivated me to change my boundaries in the past.

Most importantly, I did not want the pain of it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be open to finding a better way to deal. And I wanted to grow. Being who I was when I was “bad” wasn’t fun or pretty or respected. My family history leaned toward mean and toxic arguing.

So I dove in. I read books on anger, codependency, NLP and so much more. I attended seminars, groups, therapy, coaching, retreats, certification programs, gobbling up information and understanding of what my feelings were and what they were doing to me and the world around me.

I had been such a sucker for a sad story (someone else's story). And I found that I drew women to me who wanted my new and emerging power and strength for themselves. Only they did not want to do the work. And soon the energy and joy was being sucked right out of me. Their attrations was their need for me and it was draining.

Tony would say, “who you hang out with is who you become”. I am an introvert, it was a challenge for me to hang out with women who were more powerful and aware than I. But, I did it anyway. In their circle of light, I began to find my way to my own. And many of the friends who taught me what I did not want soon found their way to their own path, or back to the search for the “right” teacher.

The incredible pull between  “do what is right for me” and “be kind, understanding, forgiving to toxic behavior” is strong. So strong that it has affected my health. 

I had an ER visit yesterday. I was sitting in on a staff meeting, totally awesome  leadership when I suddenly started to feel off. I was feeling some discomfort in my chest and I was burping alot. I drank water and the discomfort would return in about 5 minutes. I started to feel light headed and nauseous and SCARED. I asked a co-worker to take my blood pressure and it was SKY HIGH!! I check my b/p weekly or more because I am on meds for it.

 I instantly started to cry. 

“Not now, not this ( a heart attack?), I have errands to do today!!!” My friend said, “why don’t we walk down to the ER and see what’s going on”.  I was falling apart.

After I was settled in and tests were being done I asked the PA, “what would cause this sudden increase (since there were no signs of any heart attack) and he said, “stress”.  I thought, “I am not stressed, I work part time, I do yoga, I love my abode, my cat, the ferals, my life in the country. I don’t have any stress!” 

Then, I got home. I had a text and I realized, “OH MY GODDESS! This is what it’s about!” So, I spent some more time thinking about this toxic situation that I was trying to understand and move through. 

I want to do the right thing. But for whom!?!?!?!? I have to figure out a way to rewrite the story because the blood pressure thing is as real as a hand grenade (or a heart attack)! I knew when this toxic event was going on that I was feeling it at a level I did not want in my life. And I felt okay after, yet it was there waiting for the best moment to show up -somewhere where I was safe, at work, near the ER. 

By choosing me, I am honoring my boundaries that took me so many years to understand and appreciate. I will always help others but I will not carry them.  I am not responsible for their life choices, their past. I am not a punching bag. I may not be perfect, but I am honorable and worthy of respect. So I choose me. For now, I am choosing present moments as though today is my only day. I am loving the people who love, respect and honor who I am as I will do the same for them. 

                                                              I chose me.

Reflections in their eyes-Ageless Strength comes from Us

 

We are always talking about what it takes to be 'healthy'. As ageless women, we still carry the expectation that we must be buff, beautiful, fit, an elder athlete. We celebrate when we see this in octogenarians running a marathon, biking in the Alps, and so on. I used to think that I would always be athletic. I had a passion for working out, biking, running, snow sports, swimming and yoga from as far back as I can remember.

 The benefit wasn't just being 'healthy' it was how I learned to deal with stress, anger, disappointment and depression. I needed help with those things when I was younger.

 For many years, I worked out in a club 3-5 days a week. I would ride my bike in between or I'd run. As a Traveler, it was how I got to know whatever new city I was working in. I always found a club to work out it and at the worst, bike paths and running paths. I was also driven by the unspoken demands of  a society that said, 'you are not enough, be more'. 

I don't regret the drive to be all that, I just don't miss it much. I see women running or biking and I literally can feel what it felt like, as though I am them. I feel the pull in my quads, the deep breathing, the internal focus, my abs. But, I do not miss it. And I give up beating myself up for it everyday I don't run or ride or work out. We are allowed our phases in life. When we say, "I have done it all", at this age, we have. Our years were not wasted. Our lives as Boomers were learning years. In order to navigate the world of change, we were forced (chose) to grow. To be dramatically different than the lives of our Mothers, at least, that is what we thought. 

Whether we were single, married, divorced, widowed, childless, mothers, we are women of change, of great value and wisdom. If we were given a chance to look back at each year of our earlier lives, there would be a lesson (or five) that we learned by choice or otherwise each year. 

We are here today to recognize the wisdom of the millions of lessons we have learned including the ones we don't give ourselves credit for. And to let go, let loose the hold that these lessons( old beliefs, regrets, resentments) have on us and open up to a more meaningful golden age life.

We are here to be sages, mentors, teachers, coaches for the generations of women who came into this world of confusion, paradoxes and controls. We must stand up and say what we know to be true with confidence. Not just to our daugthers, but to all young women. 

I'll share a story. Many years ago a friend called me from the bathroom of a labor and delivery unit. She was so upset, her youngest daugther was have a baby and she did not know what to do. I said to her, "Look in the mirror, pal. This is the face you are sharing with her right now. The face she needs to see is the warrior women, the natural birth mom. She is looking to you for strength,not fear reflected back." She said two words, "Got it!" We have the strength. It is in all of us!!!

So the next time you feel yourself withdraw, when what you really want to do is step up, do it! There is an incredible power within you to rise up and stand tall. Use it. "Be the change you wish to see." 

They are not looking for their own reflection in our eyes, they are looking for the strength in yours. 

What's up with that Bag of Rocks-Can we grow up at 69?

 

When I have an inbalance in a relationship with a friend or family member, I withdraw. I used to do it because I felt responsible, ashamed, hurt. I needed the quiet to lick my wounds. And then I grew up some. 

We are all fallible at some point or another. Sometines we carry around this bag of rocks , each a witness to a time when we showed our unfavorable side or the other person did. Which ever, many of us turned it into a rock and added it to the bag. Others, God Bless them, let things go like water off a ducks back, especially with spouses. 

The rocks represent the slights, the misunderstandings, the anger, the. regret, the resentments, all that stuff that actually takes away from our own goodness. And we let it. Because the feeling is familiar or maybe we have a desire to feel lousy (again, an old belief or story). 

Then one day, the bag gets too heavy or explodes on someone not responsible for the pain. And we add that to the bag and keep trudging on until one day we set it down. Maybe someone says, "what are those rocks?" And you say, "What rocks?" Yet, deep down you know what they are talking about. You know because you have lived it. You  remind yourself in certain circumstances how out they fly and bop someone on the head. 

Here is where it becomes a struggle. When that bop on the head causes a chain reaction and they start throwing rocks too. It's a fire storm and when it ends, there are a lot of bruises and hurt feelings.And the bag isn't empty, you just pick up the rocks and shove them back in the bag because you don't want to feel it or examine the words or history of the rocks.  It can be an unending cycle of dump, gather, run. 

The gift of aging is that we eventually learn to put the bag down, have a seat and take out one rock at a time and examine it. You ask yourself questions lilke:

Why am I carrying this around with me?

Does it serve me?

Does it serve the greater good?

Did I create this to protect me at an earlier time?

Do I still need it or have I finally figured out that It doesn't serve me anymore?

Am I willing to let it go and grow?

Is there somewhere in my garden I can set it down and let it have a new life-without me?

And then, move on to the next one. Some of the rocks can be very big and we need help to decifer its meaning. And we go to friends and ask for advice. At this age there is great advice available. Sometimes we don't want to hear what our friends are saying or we need  time. Sometimes we need help from outside our world,  a coach or a therapist.  

If we continue to throw the same rock (belief, story) over and over and aren't getting what we want we need to really look closely at what the story is around the rock. Maybe it was just a time in our lives. It isn't today. The past is over. We carry good memories (storys) as well, but do those story's control us as the rocks do? Do we get overwhelmed and dump love rocks when we are excited and happy?

I am not saying that rocks are not beautiful, I am saying they look better in the garden, in the creek, along the ocean, along the roadside, not in that bag on your back. 

So the next time you are vomiting your rocks, stop yourself and ask, "Is this rock serving me anymore?" And if it isn't take a good look at it and thank it for it's work and let it go. Toss it in the river, out to sea, out the window, plant it in your yard. Make space for a new idea or opportunity to arise. Be grateful, be patient, open up to the possibilities, uncover more of your essence, be open to recieve, be available for more love, friendships, blessings. Just put that rock down.

Why We Do the Things We Do!

What if there was a way to figure out WHY we do the things we do? Why we get blocked, why we get angry over the little things, why we hurt for no reason? What if in a few days, weeks or months you could be guided to release these beliefs and find peace!! What if along the way you would learn easy tools to handle those old beliefs in a NEW way? Would that be worth it? Would having more peace, self love, understanding be worth it? Are you worth it?

 Understanding Why We Do the Things We do! Life happens and sometimes we wonder, “Why did I do that?” Or, “why did he/she do this?” It becomes second nature to question ourselves and, really, for no good reason. We do what we do because it is how we learned to do what we do. Does this mean there is no hope? Of course not!!! It means that as you become aware of those things that you wish you’d done a different way, you now have the power to look more closely at it and find a new way to handle it in the future. Now that you are looking at it, it will show itself often and you will get the chance to practice your new way of “handling” it and, hopefully get a more meaningful outcome. I know this seems simple and it is. Just like with any new idea, it takes practice and a little getting used to. You may run into things like, “hey, why are you acting like that” or, “you’re NOT mad?!” Sometimes there will be an expectation of how you will act, even a trigger response will want to fire. But now that you are aware, it becomes so much easier to respond in a new and healthier way. Suddenly you are present and this gives you more choices and that feels good. And it honors who you are. 

But, back to WHY we do the things we do. We have been programed our whole lives by the lessons we had as children, not only by the events but how we interpreted them. As a child one may have been nipped by a dog and decided from then on that all dogs bite, therefore, I HATE DOGS. Later in life you might fall in love with this super special person and everything is going great and they invite you to dinner at their house where they will be cooking you a fabulous meal. Low and behold, you are greeted and drooled over by a huge fluffy mop of a dog with whom your soul mate is also superbly connected to. Is it time to bolt or to change your belief system around dogs? We get programed early in life, and, many times we create rules around our ‘experiences’ that create beliefs that can keep us from growing and learning and flowing with the nature of life. How many people have you encountered that say or behave as though they’re stuck in an old story? Maybe they are repeating a pattern you recognize because you’ve known them through a few cycles of this pattern. Our tendency is to back off and say, “Oh for the love of Pete, get over it!” What we need to understand is that they’d love to get over it but they are stuck in the story, the emotion that is attached to it and they  they don’t know how to get out. They need a better understanding of why they do the thing they do. This is what a great coach can do for you. Help you to find a way out of this disillusioning, paralyzing  and energy consuming pattern. It takes understanding, courage and desire to create a healthier way to handle life. And there are many ways to do this. Having someone to guide you and coach you to your own outcomes is the fastest and easiest way. 

A few tips:

1 Is this about me?

2 How can I help?

3 Is it time to step back?

4 How can I serve the greater good?

Dog Poop to Rubies

 

Today I met with a friend for coffee at the local bakery. An elderly gentleman named Ron asked if he and his friend could share our 4 top table with us and we welcomed them. He wondered if he could share a resent story with us, He wanted to tell us a tragedy to triumph story with us. He said his wife had recently passed, and that when they got married they had used a local artist/jeweler to make their rings-rose gold and rubies for hers and regular gold and rubies for his. After she passed he'd lost his ring, he'd lost so much weight that it had slipped off somewhere. He revisited all of his previous steps of that day he lost his ring and could not find it. He and his wife shared two Rottweilers and one day, as he was preparing for guests to visit he found a pile of poop behind the guest bed. He was really suprised as this was the very first time either of the dogs ever pooped inside. He has Parkinsons and his hands shook slightly as he told this story. He said that he he was not able to get to the leakage that had run under the bed, so he had disconnected the mop top from the mop handle and gently reached under to wipe up what had migrated under the bed. When he pulled out the mophead, his ring was inmeshed in the strands. You see, one thing lead to another. His tradegy of losing the ring, then his faithful dog pooping in the guest room leading him right to the ring. He laughed. We all fell in love with the story teller. 

Storytelling is a gift we all have in us. As children we tell stories, we make up invisable friends and name turtles. We create havens we call forts out of palm fronds, coconuts and flotsam. We overstate things at times. We florish on stories that seem dull. We express some  stories so vividly that we captivate others in the web. Stories are everything in our life. Tragic as well as awesome. Depressing as well as inspiring. But we have to listen. We have to take the time to pay attention. In stories we find compassion, connection, understand and shared grief. Not only in small bites, but in big beautiful tales of life. 

Books tell stories. We learn to read and read to learn. We read to escape. We read to understand. Books are the stories of life and evolution. They teach us math, sociology, science and so much more. And all of them come from stories. The story of Madame Currie, Albert Einstein, Steven Job, even Elon Musk. He was influenced greatly by stories of the inventer Nikolai Tesla. They all have a story of life, of what makes them tick, what made they step outside the box and be exceptional. And maybe they were influenced by stories as children. Something that made they curious. Something that tweeked their thoughts and created new ideas that they shared with others. And became amazing people and inventers. 

So, next time someone wants to share a story, sit down with a cup of coffee/tea and listen and be influenced. Be present. Be respectful. Create a new story!

                                                                    

We Teach to Learn

 

One of the greatest lessons from the Course in Miracles  is that to teach is to learn and the other way around. I have learned that every situation, good, bad, ugly is a lesson. The work is whether or not you get it. The lesson does not have to be some huge AHA moment or a humbling experience, it has to be an opportunity to grow. Growth is movement. And it the middle of this movement is forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves as well as others. Forgiving ourselves for not seeing things more clearly, for not deciding differently, for putting up with stuff our sane mind would never tolerate, for not being stronger and so much more. We are hardest on ourselves. Forgiveness for not recognizing our own grace!! Compared to that, forgiving others is, well, interesting.

How do we do this? As in the Wizard of Oz, you must have brain, a heart, courage and a desire to go home. 

People are not just their actions, they have a long history of life behind them that has shaped their decisions, behaviors, even their bodies. And, sometimes, we do not get to understand   WHY PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY DO. Another great lesson for me. 

"Why?" "Why not?" "Why would they do that?" The questions go on and on. The Book says that this is the Ego talking, creating doubt, gaslighting you. Now ,mind you, the Ego has its place but in today's society it has run rampant and out of control and it kills. People, hopes, dreams, families. So, it does take a little work and Faith to calm it down and see the Truth before you. 

I never believed that newborns were born "dumb". I looked into the eyes of enough babies in my 26 years in Labor and Delivery to know that there is something magnetic about those eyes. When you are born with a brain that is one third your body weight, it can not be completely empty and there is plenty of research to support that now. They're  a juicy sponge, they hear clearly, they have a powerful smell receptor, they can sense movement, they can quickly learn to communicate, they dream. This was always a mystery to me while holding a newborn, their body  twitch, their eyes  move under their lids,  their lips  move. I would wonder, WHAT ARE THEY DREAMING? They have been in a warm dark womb for nine months!!!! Are they remembering comversation that happened while they were inside? Are they remembering a past life? Why?

So it is in life we learn to shut down our hearts as though this is the only way to get through stuff. And the key here is that we do get through it. For some it seems impossible and others they tuck away the disappointment and pain. Some just get up and say, NEXT! There are so many options for this. It is important to remember that each event, each tragic moment , each loss offers you a gift, a learning. It may take a bit to see this but when you look back it comes to you. The look of love on your spouses face the moment your first child is born,  a celebrated birthday, intimacy, sharing an ice cream together, buying your first home. All are what makes up the tapestry of your lifetime together-long or short. And that is what your lesson is. Not the behavior or the decisions made in the end. Why hold on to that? Why not hold on to the good and great that occurred on the journey? 

It is a learning. To stop the negative self talk and  try a little tenderness. For yourself. Think of one of those magic moments and be grateful for it. Recognize what you are fearing, and, talk about it. Get it in the open, write it down and learn to forgive it and let it go. Tiny steps for inner peace. Follow the movement of the trees as the breeze blows through. Focus on a hummingbird and the miraculousness of its movements. Love on an animal. Talk with someone and listen. Tiny steps to peace and freedom and harmony. Be present for someone. Be the lesson you want to share.
Be the Love you wish to see.

Hacked. Hacked in, hacked on, hacked off!

 How do people do it? How do they have the audacity to call someone up (someone like their mother, grandmother, sister, aunt....) and lie and steal from them? Take up hours of your time on repairing a monster of their own making, convincing you that your computer will CRASH AND BURN with everything lost. They convince you that this is your own fault, that you were unprotected from "these hackers", and you must pay them to fix it.

It all started one beautiful morning my computer started wailing and sending out big red letters saying DON'T TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER, YOU HAVE BEEN HACKED. CALL THIS NUMBER IMMMEDIATELY. DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER!!!! Knowing how much work I had left to do, I stupidly called. And spent the next 2 hours arguing with some...person.. somewhere in another world. A world where cheating people and harrassing them is A-OK. And after hours of fear of losing all my data (according to this ...person) I fork up a ridiculous amount of credit card debt just to get off the phone. And it did not end there. They got their money, now they want you to talk to their "billing expert". And after that  a young woman (whose mother would be sooo ashamed) ask you how was the service and you explain in clear, precise English that it was awful. And after you get off this most  humiliating phone experience all that is left to do is to cry. Cry because you just paid these persons to allow them control of your computer and nearly your accounts. And it's not over.

Every couple of days their number comes up and they want to chat with you about the service, "is everything going okay, make sure you don't call Microsoft for help, call us"until you refuse to answer, so next.....

They let you know that they have to refund all your money to you because the Better Business Bureau requires them to refund you because of a computer glitch on their end and they must refund you . And it begins again, the lengthy phone call, the hacking and suddenly YOU KNOW it is BS and you turn all the connections to them off and the ...person..starts calling you a f**king b**ch. And you hang up, only to have them call you back as though they are a "manager" and soon, they are back to calling you names. You hang up. And you stop answering and they continue to call everyday often and then it peters off and you take your computer to a reputable computer repair person who looks at you like you're dumb for not knowing right away you were being screwed. 

It is a painful experience and that is why I write about it. I consider myself pretty tech savvy and I fell for it. All the alarms going off with sounds I have never heard come from my computer really put me on edge. The correct thing to have done (against what my computer was screaming at me) is  TURN IT OFF. Hard exit, hold down the off button until it dies and call a reputable computer geek.

These persons are well spoken little monsters, it was easy to fall into conversation with them and to miss the signs that they were not legit. It was a painful learning experience that I would not wish on anyone (except these persons). And so I share it with you.