Friday, May 11, 2018

Why One Reads a Good Book More than Once and wtf is She-Go


"Women have more power than we know. When we truly understand the game for what it is 
and deepen our awareness of the most dangerous forms of female
  oppression-emotional and psychological-then we are on our way to genuine liberation.
 It does not help to blame anyone. What we can do is face the truth. 
And any truth faced is closer to realization. 
True change doesn't emerge from action; 
 it emerges from genuine understanding."
Marianne Williamson-"A Woman's Worth"


I just finished re-reading this book. It was written in 1993, more than 20 years ago and has more relevance today than it could have then. Yet back then it blew my mind. She was speaking to the potential for the future. She was saying out loud what even today many still whisper. 

We. as mothers, sisters, lovers, humans, need to be loud. Not in a screaming, bitchy way, but with strength from within us. Start small, if you must, but speak up to injustice you see and hear about our sisters. It does not matter that they are politically misaligned from your beliefs, or their skin is a different hue than yours, or that they come from another world than you do. We have all been held back because we are women. Rich, poor, famous, infamous, silent, loud, we are all calling for each others help to awaken. To expose the Divine strength of our core, the Goddess within. 

As little girls we knew her, we read her stories, we whispered to her, we shared our misgivings with her. She was our shadow, our inner voice, our favorite doll. She understood us as no one else did. She was our secret. She reassured us when we were scared, soothed us to sleep at night when the lights were out and we were alone. She was our divine Self. 

Then, she became the heroine of the books we read. She became the glittery face on TV, the superstars of fame and fortune. And she was no longer inside us, in fact, she became a flicker of a flame we no longer needed. Quickly she was replaced by the she-ego or she-go for short. The critic, the complainer. Without the strength of that divine goddess; she-go raged. She started  telling you things and untruths. "She's a LOT prettier than you." "She is SO much more popular than you are." "You're being HYSTERICAL." "You're too SENSITIVE."  "You're a woman, women don't get jobs like that." And you started to believe her. You started sucking it up and the divine voice inside you became quiet. If divine feminine inside wasn't getting you what you needed, well she-go recommended to toughen up, workout to the core, be smarter, stronger (in an outwardly way) and buck up. All ploys to remind you you weren't worth it. You would probably fail.

Again from "A Woman's Worth":

"The  Romanian dictator Ceausescu argued that
armies and weapons were not necessary to keep people down 
as long as they are kept scared enough.
And this is how women are oppressed in our society. 
We are afraid  to allow ourselves to blossom fully because of the general 
disapproval that fills our air whenever 
a "little lady" forgets her place."

Men's greatest fear is that women will run the world as they have. This just is not possible. And furthermore, why would be we? As long as men have been in charge of the worlds affairs there has been ongoing war. And war is profitable and presently, it's all about the money. And the outcry from women all over the world is STOP KILLING OUR CHILDREN. 

We must get in touch with that divine Self and nurture her back to health. She is your intuition, your empathy, your  depth, the very real mother warrior in you. No matter where you come from or what you do, or what your past has to do with it, that divine Self is there waiting to birth you back to your power. She waits for you to smile that smile of knowing. She wants to feel that inner flame turn to a blaze. She wishes you to be the Love that you have always been.She wants you to share it, not just with those you know and love but with everyone and everything. Practice everyday saying it to everything. "I love that little bird, I love that breeze, I love the sweet smell of lilacs, I love you Self (in front of a mirror is best;), I love you Mother Earth, I love you God/Goddess." Love everything and you will find the Goddess in you will arrive and return you your Sceptre or magic wand if you chose. Love your sisters because we are all in this change together. Be kind to everyone. Know that in doing so, you will change the world. Never let them hold you down. You are meant for greatness!







Sunday, May 6, 2018

Anger, Guilt and the Bag of Rocks


In the Course in Miracles it says, "All anger is nothing more than an attempt to make someone else feel guilty..." This is such a powerful statement!  It makes so much sense! Because I know it is true for me, I know when I am angry I am looking for someone else to be responsible for it. "Guilty as charged! It's because of you I'm feeling this way." REALLY!?!?!? I once actually believed that what someone said or did had the effect of controlling how I felt. I even gave them permission to control me by not owning my own ability to chose how to say no. As a women, I'd say I chose to play small. Now this. This whole idea of the relationship between anger and guilt is mind boggling! And yet.....?

I have always wanted to understand what anger is all about. I used to have this post card back in the late 70's that said, "So much time is wasted being angry". I loved it although I did not really understand it yet. Anger is the fire in my belly feeling that gets our juices stirred up. Anger was these huge bursts of energy releasing all this pent up frustration from the woes and resentments of my life. I wanted to hang on to it fiercely. And it was almost always followed by tears of rage and injustice. And many times guilt. My own guilt, I thought. Guilt for "losing control", for going "bitch" on someone. Huge guilt about expressing my inner thoughts in an outward, totally chaotic way. And that, of course, was followed by shame. Shame for "not holding it together, not being strong", according to someone else's rules. When I was old enough to take it outside, I'd go to the beach at night and rage out loud. I'd rage in my car. And in the end I'd feel the quilt and shame as though I did not have the right to express it. And I'd simmer down and go back to life. And I'd still be holding on it.
 I can remember a cold and stormy winter night after my mom died, standing out in the snow screaming at God and raging about the things that were happening and finally falling to my knees and saying to the Universe,"Help me, help me find my way through this. Help me to understand. I surrender."  The storm raged on and I got up and went inside. I felt quiet. I slept through the night for the first time in months. Something in me had shifted. The weight of my anger just wasn't there anymore. I was open and willing to explore now. Within days, I was introduced to the Course in Miracles.


Anger is of the ego. It is the ego's number one tool to control us. Some of us respond to our inconsiderate past with anger. We feel we have a right to be angry, "how could he do this, why doesn't he admit that...., why doesn't she listen..." and we set these high (and I mean HIGH) standards for what we believe to be the "right" way that someone in our past should have behaved. We hang on because we believe that we must understand it and we don't. Some times, we don't get to understand why people do the things they do. So how long should we hang on to it?  We tell people we have a righteous right to our anger and we hang on to the story for dear life. In the big picture, we must ask ourselves, "How does this clinging to the past injustices and anger serve me?" And even more interesting, "How does it serve the greater good?" 

More than likely, most of us deep down want to know, "How do I get past this?" If you are asking this question, you are on the path of truth. And the easiest, and most valuable way to do this is to learn to forgive. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do". Forgiveness is the way to a deeper Love within ourselves. Love leads us to peace and ultimately, understanding.  It is the healing art of God.


Each and everyone of us screws up to some degree in someone's eyes-most often, our own. And we have this delusion that we might have done it differently. But we didn't and that's a fact. Not good, not bad, just is. Some days, I say to myself, "I forgive me for not forgiving myself earlier on this one". Something comes up and I think, "Why am I even thinking about this, it happened years ago." The answer is, we are a work in progress and in order to live a full life we must move beyond the old stuff. That means letting go of the feelings and negative thoughts we have about something in the past that can not be changed. We must make room for the good stuff coming our way. So when anger shows up, it is just another opportunity to look more closely at the lessons there and to release and move on. It is not to say that all anger is not appropriate, it is to say that if you are holding on after more than a few hours, it is a waste of your energy and heart space. Richard Bach said, again, back in the 70's in his book Johnathan Livingston Seagull, "Every problems has a gift for you in its hands". Look for the gift in your anger and let it go.


I often refer to our 'stuff' as the bag of rocks we carry around with us. Like an old coal miner with his bag of dirty coal over his shoulder, we carry our old stuff around until we decide to let it go. I say, every once in a while, put that bag down and pull out one of those rocks (grievance, resentment, grudge, blame or the story you wrap around it) and take a good look at it. Define the real issue with it, ask yourself if it's worth all the pain you have bestowed on it, or  the years of misery. It's a rock and thrown hard enough can cause pain, yet, right now it is just a rock in your hand that once hurt you. It has no power over you anymore except the power you give it. Get rid of it, bury it in your back yard, throw it across the fence, add it to your garden decor, but let it go. And if this seems to be too much for you, ask those questions, "How is this rock (anger, resentment, story) serving me?"  Create a ceremony if you want, say a prayer of release and send it into a lake, river or ocean. Bless it, throw it and then sit back and see how much room you have made in your heart for the light of love to enter. And it will come. Your heart is meant to be filled with Love. It is your divine right. When you open your heart to it, you will see it everywhere. Love is all around you.

Pick an issue that you choose to feel angry about, be it a work related issue, a family issue, how someone spoke to you, anything that causes you to feel anger, resentment, shame , guilt, or pain.

Think about these questions:

  • How long have I been carrying this?
  • Who is really guilty here? And why?
  • What is really important about this situation for me that keeps it so present?
  • How does holding on to this event, anger, story help me today?
  • If I could feel any other way, how would I choose to feel about it?
  • Is there any way I could change what happened in the past?
  • What would happen if I silently ask for guidance to forgive the situation?
  • When will I decide that now is a good time to let it go forever?
  • Do I need to be angry or can I chose peace instead?






Tuesday, March 13, 2018

"Conflict"



Definition of  "Conflict: Friction or opposition resulting from actual or perceived differences or incompatibilities."



There are some of us who grew up in families where conflict was a common event with disastrous results. Screaming, resentment, punishment among them. We grew up thinking this was normal and went out in the world with swords drawn and dripping with blood, fists bruised and bleeding and we thought this was normal. It was our way to resolve conflict as we knew it. It drew many of us into abusive relationships and behavior, it was our only defense against the world. We did not know any better. Many of us travelled a long time carrying this burden and some, realizing the meaningless caustic outcomes of this, learned new and empowering ways to resolve misunderstandings and conflict. Others of us became what I would call "addicted" to the feelings around conflicts, mainly anger and resentment. Even now, as I learn to release  anger and resentment there is a small part of me that yearns for a good fight, a screaming match, all that rage blossoming. The appeal for justice, the cry for righteousness. The fact is not a lot gets accomplished in this scenario but a lot of blood letting. A release of steam (the anger, resentment and fear). Yet it is familiar and deep somewhere in our darkness it feels good. That is the the Ego. 

Now as I study the Course in Miracles I find myself drawn back to some of those old wars and conflicts to examine them through a different lens. Some of the statements are hard to grasp yet in examining them I know that there is another way to see the world. The Book says that conflict is meaningless. This is powerful to think about because it calls for us to really look at conflict and to release our preconceived idea of the outcome. Most conflict has little to do with what is happening at the moment, but is a cannon ball of events in our lives accumulated into one big ego bomb that shows up any time we feel invalidated. Sometimes this is the only way we can feel alive because we have loss sight of Love and Joy and Laughter.  It is like we are swimming through the mud of this craziness in our world rather than taking a boat or paddleboard over it through our prayers and lovingness. 

Conflict is not understandable. Can anyone make sense of it? Examination, on the other hand, brings understanding and appreciation  which brings Love. Understanding may take work and separation from the conflict, yet, the outcome of this learning is resolution and peace. And sometime understanding just means that you do not agree and can still appreciate the humaness of another. 

What this world needs right now is more appreciation of others. Inside everyone of us is this bright and beautiful flame of Love. From the moment of conception on we have had this flame and it is always there inside as we develop into the person we are today. Fanning that flame brings more light and love to you, holding it back keeps you mired in the mud and darkness. Look for the light in others and you will see the light in you. 


I see the Light in you!


The time has come....

"We can't look to the world to restore our worth;
 we're here to restore our worth to the world." 
-A Woman's Worth by Marianne Williamson

I am in awe of the movement of women in the world right now. It is my quiet dream realized in my lifetime. Who really knows when and where we, as women, lost our equality and our power or why, we only need to know that it is no longer truth. We are the peacemakers and in a man's world of war and profit this is scary. We are the stable ground in the family, we see all sides of the arguments, we organize all tasks to be done, we write to-do lists because we have the ability to pause and see things as they are in the now. And this takes strength in a society and world that plays down our power through mass media bullshit. No offense but there is no better word. 

Recently I heard that Mattel is now making "Barbie Inspiring Woman Series". I also noticed she is still bone thin, long legged and pretty much perfect in the world of misogyny. Little girls playing dolls with twigs who look like the Kardasians and wanting to be like them, rather than like the women of our times who are actually creating a safer and more respectable world for women. What is wrong with that picture? 

Last night I watched Dave Letterman's new show on Netflix. His guest was Malala, nothing more than a 20 year old young women who at 15 nearly had her face blown off because she spoke up about education for all women. At fifteen!!!!! And like the phoenix, she has risen to continue her commitment to this cause. She speaks of forgiveness as her motivation to move forward in bringing the importance of education to young women all over the world. At 17 years of age she was the youngest person to receive the Noble Peace Prize. She is unstoppable. What is her secret? Her absolute belief in her mission and a family who supported their children in following their own dreams. We all have this.

The #MeToo movement has lit  a fire under our sisters in the world. Not just the disgusting and degrading treatment of women in the moment, but the sheer number of repostings in the millions.   Women have been under a siege of sexual, physical and mental misconduct for years, maybe centuries. I am moved, not only by the MeToo's, but by the women that openly say it is a lie. Maybe they have been fortunate enough to have been protected from it, but, to deny your sisters experience is rough. Denial is not a river in Egypt, it is a thought process based on fear and shame. The act of sexual misconduct upon another human being is wrong. Ignorance is our cross to bear if we do not see the truth in this monumental time in history and take action now.

Yet in modern day history, this is unacceptable. And we haven't even really visited the assault in the medical arena, the one area of the women's working force dominated by women. And it is there, lurking, waiting for the war cry of the many nurses who have had to put up with the pats on the asses, the whispered remarks, the innuendo's. In a male controled environment catered to by millions of women over 200+ years, the abuse is there. I know, I witnessed and experienced it. 

In our desire to be "equal" we do not want to be "like" men because it is obvious that we are not, we want to be actively part of the world in progress. We want to speak our minds without being interrupted. We want the right to support our sisters. We are going to be heard. We will  turn the other cheek and keep on. Each time we are struck down, we will rise and keep walking. It is time. 

More and more women gather. In marches, in communities groups,in women's groups, bookclubs, dinners, in many countries. We are learning to be more respectful to one another, to be kinder, to not judge. As Jesus said, "Seek first to understand". Powerful and sometimes difficult words. We are rising and we will be heard.

So, seek the greatness in your sisters and let go of what does not serve. Put your loving and understanding energy into elevating each of our sisters to their full potential and grace. Let go of fear, recentment and anger. Look for and see the light in them so that they, in turn, will see the light in you.
The energy of the Universe is inside each one of us to be used for the greater good. Get in touch with it, use it to heal yourself and your sisters. Be the light you seek! Our radiance will change the world!



Friday, February 16, 2018

Conflict Truth



Definition of 
 "Conflict: Friction or opposition resulting from actual or perceived differences or incompatibilities."


There are some of us who grew up in families where conflict was a common event with disastrous results. Screaming, resentment, punishment among them. We grew up thinking this was normal and went out in the world with swords drawn and dripping with blood, fists bruised and bleeding and we thought this was normal. It was our way to resolve conflict as we knew it. It drew many of us into abusive relationships and behavior, it was our only defense against the world. We did not know any better. Many of us travelled a long time carrying this burden and some, realizing the meaningless caustic outcomes of this, learned new and empowering ways to resolve misunderstandings and conflict. Others of us became what I would call "addicted" to the feelings around conflicts, mainly anger and resentment. Even now, as I learn to release  anger and resentment there is a small part of me that yearns for a good fight, a screaming match, all that rage blossoming. The appeal for justice, the cry for righteousness. The fact is not a lot gets accomplished in this scenario but a lot of blood letting. A release of steam (the anger, resentment and fear). Yet it is familiar and deep somewhere in our darkness it feels good. That is the the Ego. 

Now as I study the Course in Miracles I find myself drawn back to some of those old wars and conflicts to examine them through a different lens. Some of the statements are hard to grasp yet in examining them I know that there is another way to see the world. The Book says that conflict is meaningless. This is powerful to think about because it calls for us to really look at conflict and to release our preconceived idea of the outcome. Most conflict has little to do with what is happening at the moment, but is a cannon ball of events in our lives accumulated into one big ego bomb that shows up any time we feel invalidated. Sometimes this is the only way we can feel alive because we have loss sight of Love and Joy and Laughter.  It is like we are swimming through the mud of this craziness in our world rather than taking a boat or paddleboard over it through our prayers and lovingness. 

Conflict is not understandable. Can anyone make sense of it? Examination, on the other hand, brings understanding and appreciation  which brings Love. Understanding may take work and separation from the conflict, yet, the outcome of this learning is resolution and peace. And sometime understanding just means that you do not agree and can still appreciate the humaness of another. 

What this world needs right now is more appreciation of others. Inside everyone of us is this bright and beautiful flame of Love. From the moment of conception on we have had this flame and it is always there inside as we develop into the person we are today. Fanning that flame brings more light and love to you, holding it back keeps you mired in the mud and darkness. Look for the light in others and you will see the light in you. 


I see the Light in you!





Sunday, June 4, 2017

"A Rose By Any Other Name..."


The power of words. This quote from the play" Romeo and Juliet" was written 400 years ago. It is still quoted today for how powerful it is. These were words that Juliet said when confronted by the fact that because Romeo was a Montegue, she should shun him and her love for him. His name mattered not to her, what mattered was the love they felt for one another. "A rose by any other name  would smell as sweet". What infinite wisdom did this young woman have. She knew that a word/name had no meaning to the power of Love. She was willing to die for her Love. Imagine having that much faith today.

I relate this to my faith. My long search for meaning. I have been a traveler for truth. I have always known I was guided. I have always known there was a power greater than myself. I have known It to be named God, Goddess, Spirit, Universe, Buddha, Allah, Hu, Angels, Jesus, Yahweh, Creator, the Divine, Father, Mind, Soul, Life, Grace and more. God, by any other name, is still God. A Power beyond ourselves.I care not which one is used. I am open to that Voice inside me now.

We are guided. He is the tiny voice inside us that says, 'Yes' when we are unsure. She is who affirms our right decisions with a swish of sweet feeling in our hearts. He is who we called to in those events when we think we cannot take another moment and we cry out His name and ask for help. And are answered. If only we would ask more often and sooner and avoid unneeded  fear, sadness and pain. 

In the depths of sadness after my Mother passed, in the middle of a snowstorm with my heart filled to the blink with confusion, fear, sadness, resentment, blame, anger, I stepped out into the storm and raged. I cried, I screamed, I asked the universal question , "WHY?!?!?" until I had no more in me and I asked for help. "God, help me", I said, "please help me, I cannot do this anymore, I cannot go on this way, with this burden of unhappiness and misunderstanding. Help me, please God". I walked inside, I took off my clothes and I went to bed. I slept as though I'd been through a storm and I woke cleansed. I felt that a great weight had been lifted and that I was finally seeing Light in my darkness. Within the week, I was introduced to the opportunity to begin The Course in Miracles. She'd heard my prayer.

Maybe I have told this story before. It is important in so many ways. Miracles happen. We have to be open to them. If we carry the burdens of the past along with us everyday, we are blocking all the possibilities today. We can say the words, we can remind ourselves of the past  to pretend that we are getting the Now, but, ultimately, to be healed and whole we must let go. I had to let go of the grief, the misunderstanding, and see past the behavior to the true essence of the Love in all of us. At first, it took tiny steps. Looking at small grievances and looking for understanding there. Trying to see each situation through someone else's eyes. How would my mom look at this? How would a friend advise me on this? How would Goddess want me to see this? What if how I was looking at it was wrong?

There is a purity that came from this time in my life, what I call my three years of grief and growth. The studying of The Course in Miracles brought understanding. The connecting to the Divine through prayer, contemplation, study and yoga were the steps. The re-examination of past events and finding the Grace in them, showed me what I missed by being attached to the meanings I gave them. And then forgiving myself or the others and moving on. I would ask myself, "why should I forgive them?????' and the answer would come. "Because it is time, the weight has been much to bear and it no longer serves." It reminds me of the fabulous pictures of the people of India releasing the flower and candle bouquets to the Ganges River. Or blowing a Dandelion to the wind. Or writing a letter and then burning it and burying the ashes, like old lovers, in the yard. Creating ceremony for the past and letting it go so I can make room for a more peaceful approach to my Life. 

Roses are in bloom here. I smell them and find the small differences in their scent. I see the beauty and light in them as part of God's plan for salvation and peace. I stay away from that which does not serve the greater good. I pray for the children. I pray for Love to overtake those in need. I send Light and Love to everyone who reads this blog. And to the million of women who walked their talk in Washington in funny pink hats! God Bless!!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

My Mother's day

Happy Mother's Day to my Goddess friends! 


I hope that you are surrounded by love and light from family and loved ones  or, like me, you are infused with the love of all the women in the world loving you from near and far.  I send out love and light to you all. As I sit here at my computer in Hood River I look through the eyes of love to every family I see walking by. 

I think back with enormous gratitude for all the beautiful births I witnessed and the power of women that were becoming mother's for the first time as well as again. What a gift!!!! Every single person I see came from a mother, a Goddess, a believer, a saint, someone who looked down upon them at their birth with awe and love and connection. In thirty plus years I rarely saw anything else. Those magic moments being present to the Goddess in each one, I am eternally grateful to each woman for the courage and strength it takes to give birth to another human spirit.

Motherhood evaded me, it was not my plan, I thought I'd have a bucket of kids. Not that I did not love a bundle of them, oh yes I did. I thank my friends and family for sharing their babies with me. I learned so much from these sweet children, I learned about the love of a child. I learned the preciousness of a tender hug, a sigh of release after a tearful tumble, the sweet smell of a tired child in my arms. Yes, I loved me a few!!

 And life happened, I moved around the country,  I had freedom to travel and see the world. It was what I worked for, to see, to learn, to experience life in other countries  and through books, each countries history. I admired art in every country from museums to street art, beads, etchings, paintings, tiles, pottery, jewelry. My home a collection of my memories and experiences. I followed a path to spiritual awakening, and I began to understand the world I inhabit. I shared this all with my mom. We shared many things.


She was a risk taker, too. She courageously met and married a man who lived in Central America, he was a pilot (as was her stepfather and stepbrother) and she moved to Nicaragua. Brave! For the next fourteen years she lived and brought to this world four children. And when it was not enough, she left him with her four children and moved home to Miami, got a job driving a school bus and soon became the first woman realtor in Miami. She pursued her love of art taking oil and acrylic paint classes at night. 

My mom had secrets. Unhappy events that molded her. It gave her a rough edge, which showed up in her child-rearing. It was difficult to understand her as a young woman and the result was conflict and alienation. 

Yet, looking back she always got me. She was hard on me, but she was  my "go to" shoulder to cry on. She was so smart. Yet, she was the product of the events of her life and unlike me she developed a strong shell. I was always transparent and "sensitive", as though this was a dis-ease. It wasn't until later in my life that I saw this "sensitivity " for what it was. A Gift. The ability to feel deeply. But, in the beginning nothing but shame was attached to it. And fear, as I was also very sensitive to other peoples feeling, even when they weren't.
From as far back as I can remember, I felt bruised by words and actions of others until I embraced this gift. I realized that in my sensitivity was my strength.


I see now that she did the best she could. And I couldn't be more grateful for the good times. And through my spiritual learning there is nothing that ever happened that was beyond forgiving. Nothing. It just was what it was. My mom was brilliant, she was funny, elegant, an artist, someone I always admired as did many other Goddesses. And I miss her deeply.

So today I celebrate my Mom! May she rest in Peace and Love. May she live in my heart forever. May she know that I loved her to the best of my ability and I thank her for bringing me to this earth at this time. I thank her for my looks :), my travel addiction, my Art background, my strength and whether she likes it or not, my sensitivity.
 Love and Light to you Mom! Happy Mother's Day!