A conversation with Self about drinking- while driving

I drove into Hood River (through White Salmon, down the hill, over the bridge, etc) today. As I was driving I started this conversation with my Self. It went something like this:

Self:  If  you're not addicted to alcohol, why do you drink?

I answered: That is a great question! I literally couldn't be happier, so, it's not that I am unhappy or depressed. I live by myself, so no one is leaving underwear on the floor or not cleaning the bathroom or doing their share of the dishes. That's enough for me to celebrate. I don't know, maybe I don't believe that it is so much an addiction as a habit. I know that some days I come home and all I want is a nice cold beer or martini because I have had a distressing day at work. Nothing I won't get over but until I do, I won't be relaxing or sleeping. It's like a short cut to comfort. And a habit-not an addiction. Other days, I sit in front of the fireplace and knit first or give the cat a good rubbing.

Self: Well, then, why not just quit? 

I answered: Well, I have before. And I could, but, not sure why I would. I rarely drink to excess (unless I am around my family and they love to drink together) I do my best not to finish a bottle of Champagne by myself-in the same night. And that is all I am going  to share on that topic. These days there is so much stigma around drinking and guilt. Typical of society to complain and attack the symptoms rather than address the deeper causes. It drives the mild drinkers underground and we tend to lie about it to our doctors. Who wants your medical records to say "drinks 1-5 drinks a day". People read that shit and can form an opinion.

Self: I can see this is an interesting subject for you.

I answered: Well, look around you. Everywhere you look there are vineyards, in fact pretty much every state grows grapes. There are thousands of US labelled wines. I gave up drinking it because it all tastes the same and it will NEVER be the wine that one can get in France or Spain, even Argentina. But, boy it is everywhere.  Whoa! I am way off on a tangent-sorry.

Self: Do you think you drink too much?

I answered: I do not. I have in the past, when I was sad, unhappy, frustrated and angry. I definitely tried to drown my sorrows, but after a while I resented the days I was missing because I was hung over. Self made unwanted time off. I could have been biking , cleaning, anything. Way to much time could be wasted being trashed all the time.

Self: What's changed? 

I answered: I see more. Sounds crazy, I know, but now I have time to actually see the world more closely. And I take more time to get out in it, many times alone, to just get a nature fix. I feel so much gratitude for the blessed life I live and have lived, even the sad times. They all brought me to where I am right now and this is good. Deserves a cocktail!

The end!

Fear and the Committee of Monkeys

I was reviewing my old posts and found one labelled, "Fear". When I opened it, I found that it was blank. Ya gotta love that!

I have so little fear anymore. I have faith. I have faith because all that fear and worry brought me nothing. I am not talking about the fear when hair on the back of your neck stands up or when your inner being says, "this is not right, step away", I am talking about all the fear created in falsehood by the ego. The fear that serves nothing. The fear of things we have no control over (even if we wish we did), fear of future events that may or may not happen, fear of a giant meteor crashing into the surface of the earth. Fear is the retardant of presence. Let me repeat that, FEAR IS THE RETARDANT OF PRESENCE.

We cannot practice presence while in a state of fear. Anxiety disorder is the inability to be present and the Ego's fine job of  broadcasting every little fear you may have ever had or may ever have in the future. Anxiety disorder is a result of not learning or being taught how to cope with ego mind.
I used to call it my committee of monkeys when I finally figured out that it was in my head. Oh the ego had a blast with me. I had the critic monkey, the bitch monkey, the doubt monkey, the monkey of unworthiness, the monkey of successful failure. I began to see them as little goblins on my shoulders, one on one side saying "oh, that was stupid" and the other side "who'd believe you".  Fear was pretty rampant and my steps back then were small, oh let me be truthful, they were teeny, tiny.  The funny thing is when I began to see the fear monkeys on my shoulders, they didn't have as much control of over my head. Some days I could just flick them off. And the more I flicked them off, the less they spoke negatively. Pretty soon there were only one or two of them and they were easy to control.
My mind started to get quiet. I started to meditate for short periods of time. I'd sit on the beach and just get quiet by listening to the birds and waves and smelling the water and feeling the breeze and the sand. When I concentrated on those things my mind relaxed. I felt immeasurably  more peaceful. Even my body relaxed. The committee started saying things like, "wow, this is so sweet". Yep, they began to enjoy this as well. And their language changed. The words they said were words of kindness and encouragement.

With practice I took this exercise everywhere in nature. I meditated on mountain ridges, snowy hillsides, in the woods, while snorkeling and scuba diving (just the getting quiet part), on road trips, sitting in front of the fire, standing in the rain and I welcomed the presence of the world/universe/God into my being. Rare is it that monkeys of old show up. By being present I have diminished the negative power of the ego. It is still there and works to remind me when I am in a negative place. But it no longer controls my thoughts. Fears worthiness in its proper place; there to protect me not consume me.

Bombshell? How long must we wait to recognize the War on Women.

Bombshell?

The bombshell is that woman are still being made small by mankind in America. Whether or not I stand politically with these women, I admire the strength and courage it took to stand up for the raping of woman by this type of " predator". Nassor, O'Reilly, Epstein, Ailes, Laur, Cosby, Weinstein, Trump, to name a few.  These are just the public ones. These are just the ones that got caught.We live in a country that rewards macho behavior, bullying, intimidation of women. We, "the most powerful nation in the world", have watched as women, strong enough to make it through "boot camp", be humiliated, raped, demoted, discouraged and eventually thrown out of the armed forces for being women. We have  seen actresses come forward risking everything to call out predators in their field of work. And this- women being forced to have sex with discusting old men to have and keep their jobs.

MY question is "ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?"

God Bless the women who put their faith in men  like these. May you never allow your daugthers (your 4 year old, 8 year old, 13 year old, etc) to be alone with them. And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. If it feels uncomfortable, you better believe your intuition it is.  Trust it. Walking away and being wrong is better than being right and living with the humility  that hundreds of young women and their mothers, live with after their trusted physician fingered them regularly for years. NASSAR.

 It does not matter what your politics are or what color you are or what race, somehow there are American men out there who  think they have the right to abuse their power and the women/ children who have been minimized in their presence. Not okay!

Imagine all the women in our "civilized society" who find this acceptable because they  don't have a voice. Maybe you even know one. That friend who always looks put together and smiling, yet you (in your female intution) know that something is not right. Maybe you see a bruise or you reach out to touch her and she flinches. What are you doing to protect her? What are you doing to support her?

We live in a time in history where we have been promoted to tear each other apart. We want to be clones of the Kardasians. We want to look like Stepford wives. Why? Because of the mixed messages we are getting from the media moguls. "If you don't have great legs and a tight ass, you just are not enough." "Thin is in". Spanks-does anyone find this an odd name for something that squeezes you up tight and is immensely uncomfortable? Who are you? Not what you look like, but, who are you?

 And not much has changed in women's history from the 1916's, when women protested for the right to control their bodies, the right to chose to have children and to not have them, their right to vote, to own businesses. They were thrown in jail and went on hunger strikes. The very sad thing about this, "most powerful country in the world", is we as women, were behind the rest of the world when it came to women's rights. In 1840, the Kingdom of Hawai'i's  universal manhood and women's suffrage was introduced. It took until 1919 for women in America to be able to vote. It wasn't until 1954 that we became recognized as equal, able to vote, hold office, access public services and own our own business (with our husband as co-signer). And, yet, here we are just exposing this total injustice 65 years later. No country in the world should be more embarrassed.

Time to step up sisters. If you feel it, trust it-you are not dead yet. Talk to your sisters, talk to those men out there who respect and honor you. Be the voice for those whose voice has been silenced. This country has been run by money and men for long enough, time to let women bring peace to the country.

Women leaders in the world?

 Jacinda Arden,Michelle Bachelet, Joyce Banda, Anna Brnabic,
 Maria-Loise Coliero Preca,Angela Merkel, Katrin Jakobsdottir, Margaret Thatcher, Sheikh Hasina and so many more.

Where are our women of strength and power? Who's voice do you follow? Men, money, war, sex  trade, and dominance are not family values. Find who is speaking the language of peace and follow them. Don't step back, step up. It is time.

My Paradise in the Woods

The sun is out!! Everything seems to sparkle after days of rain, fog and quiet. The red of the pine needles is redder, the lush green of the moss is brighter, the sun striking the treetops majestic. I couldn't be happier.

I live in my own manifestation. On my vision boards over the years, there has always been a  cabin in the woods, down a hill, in the mountains and with a deck. There were windows, large windows letting in the view and the light. All for my own pleasure and enjoyment. There is a circular drive. There are animal prints in the snow in winter. I have hummers that come to my feeder and Stellar Jays to the suet. The wind blows through the trees and it hums all around me. 

On rainy days the outdoors are loud. Millions of tiny drops of water, some falling great distances, fall all around me. Every surface offering  subtle drumbeats, adding to the orchestra of sounds in nature. It feels like I'm standing in a forest cathedral without a roof. The tops sway and in doing so change the music of the drums. 

What I have learned in this short interval of living here is how small I am in the big picture. How amazingly lucky I am to be able to be a living part of this experience. I breathe bigger here. I breath in the rain, the top of the trees, the fog, the breeze and I can feel its healing power all the way to my toes. I do this every morning and every evening along with my thanks to the universe for the gift of living  in this paradise in the woods.

The Gift of Grief-One small task a day

It's been almost 6 years since my mother passed away. The most powerful years of my life. I am hardly the person I was when I was Dottie's daughter. She was such a big presence in my life. She left this gaping hole in my soul that I have since filled slowly, day by day, year by year, with self love. She gave my life significance and light. She needed me. She lived, at times, vicariously through my life adventures. And I grew from her art and her unlimited desire to paint. And because she has passed, I can now see all this without the blinders I used to tolerate that other side of her. I can see the balance.

I cannot even fathom what it must have been like for her when her mother passed and she was just 34 years old, divorced and mother of four. What I do remember was seeing my grandmother in a hospital bed in the middle of her living room. She was pale and sweaty and in so much pain. There was a towel wrapped around her side rail so she could twist it in her anguish! Even in the 1960's we did not use medication for this pain, what were they thinking? I remember  being shipped off to family friend with my young brother. No explanation, no understanding even if my mom was coming back, much less my grandmother. It was not spoken of at all. My mother quickly married, we packed up our house and moved to Puerto Rico; an island in the Caribbean. That's how it was done.

In nursing school my group was responsible for presenting Death and Dying (we were studying Elisabeth Kubler-Ross). I wrote a play which we performed about a little girl who grandmother dies and she speaks out to the universe asking for understanding. "Where did she go? Why can't I be there?, Why won't you tell me?" I remembered my young curiosity and frustration. The weight of it seemed more important than the situation that unfolded at the "friend's" house with their fourteen year old son and the games he wanted to play. I was eight years old.

One of the best books I read about Death was by Joan Didion, "The Year of Living Magically". As a nurse and as a human, her book made sense of people walking around as zombies after the loss of a loved one. In a way it gave them permission to be lost for a while, as I remember my mom being after her mom died. It gave me a better understanding, I thought. It only makes sense that the body would provide some kind of chemical (hormonal) reaction to the stress of loss.

 Grief is a purifying event. For most of us, we are racked with sadness and gut -wrenching sobs and tears. Our minds are filled with thoughts and regrets, I won't lie to you. The million, "what ifs", "I should have...". Every unpleasant thought or action of the past, makes it way through your grief. It is a thorough cleansing of the soul. The ego itself rears up to point out your faults.  It is a tsunami and it will recede and with it carry away those thoughts to be replaced with a peaceful emptiness. A space to reacquaint yourself with your soul. Slowly the grace in you leads you to the gifts of your lost one.

I remember the immobility. I remember being offered medication and thinking, "Why would I want to dull this overwhelming grief, would I want a pill for overwhelming happiness, or a pill to numb resentment?" I wanted to own it, to move through it and come out on the other side whole.

I remember going out into a  snow storm and screaming myself to my knees asking for guidance from above. I screamed until I could not utter a sound. I let the snow flakes melt on my face. I went inside and slept for the first time in months. Deep and abiding sleep.

The next day, I decided to make a goal of just one thing I would do each day (beyond getting up, having coffee, going to work). Just one small thing for me that I would feel good about accomplishing. It sounded like this, "today, I'll walk around the property, today I will go to yoga". At the end of the day I would know that I got that one thing done and it was enough. It may sound crazy, but three years later I found myself  grinning when I realized I had accomplished six  small things in my day and it felt great.

I don't cry anymore for her. I am eternally grateful for the experience of grief and all that I learned from it. I am not the woman I once was, I am more. I have taken on the gifts both from the grief and the memory of my mom and I am all of that. She will never be far as she lives in my heart and in the space where I abide. Sure miss you, Mom!

In all Grace, Let It Snow!

Today it snows. Snow is the most beautiful thing sometimes. It covers all the messes in the world. It silences all that noise and returns the world to quiet. It covers tracks and reveals others. It's smooth and soft as it falls on your face. It smells sweet and clean.

You might only know this if you actually stopped what you were doing and stepped away from the bustle of the material world and just breathed in it.  Such a busy world.

A coyote crosses the drive, brown, dancing among the black and white of the deliberately tall trees and the snow covered ground. His mate follows uncertain as to the safety of their movement.

All is tranquil as the flakes swirl and fall slowly to the white carpet below. I've been waiting for this. I surrender to it.  I love this time of year. I am not afraid of snow. I am in love with what it offers me. This stillness and beauty. This out of time experience. I appreciate every flake. I know where they're headed. I love that it teaches me caution and how to be present. Because that is what it take to survive the winter. To thrive in it and play in it. I love to dress for it. Securing my warmth with clothing. Warm feet, warm arms, warm legs, warm hands, warm head, cool nose and cheeks.

I love the work I do for it. My arms remember the process of shoveling; they warm to it. My back and legs work in unison with my arms to move snow from here to there. I sweat beneath my warm clothes. I breath strongly and rhythmically, opening my lungs to fresh sweet cold air. Expanding myself as every atom, every cell in my body experiences snow through the actions of my soul.

The flakes fall. Some small, some clumps- all unique. I caught them in my warm hands, but they melted too quickly to see this uniqueness. Magical. Yet I look out my window and see that they gather together to create this white winter carpet. Beautiful!

Blessed am I that loves the snow. I surrender to its grace and peace!

It just has to be said.....

In the midst of all this chaos, I am happy. It comes from many directions, but it does not matter. I am happy. People  do not have to like my decisions, my values, my integrity, I am still happy. I am expanding.  I love my life! I am outgrowing all the deception. I have a choice, I can and do love life and me. I reject, move away from all negative crap that is thrown my way. I say, "Nope, not my circus, not my monkey". I know who I am. And who I am is good, really good. No one can ever take that away from me. I earned the right to be the amazing person I have been since I was born. She is out and rising. So, if this doesn't work for you, move on; many have. But if you are ready to fly, to blast, to explode like a new born star; step up. Just not going to crawl anymore. So, fly with me. Or stand on the sidelines and watch, but get the fuck out of the way!