Serious as a Hang Grenade (or a Heart Attack)

                               

                       

       When is enough enough? 

I am almost 70 years old and I am still learning and growing my boundaries. I find it difficult to create boundaries as a woman even today because the absolute feminine in us as women says “be nice”, “she/he’s just having a bad day” for the hundredth, maybe thousandth  time. And do it now. Don’t wait-they might die before you figure it out.

 I've been thinking about what motivated me to change my boundaries in the past.

Most importantly, I did not want the pain of it. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to be open to finding a better way to deal. And I wanted to grow. Being who I was when I was “bad” wasn’t fun or pretty or respected. My family history leaned toward mean and toxic arguing.

So I dove in. I read books on anger, codependency, NLP and so much more. I attended seminars, groups, therapy, coaching, retreats, certification programs, gobbling up information and understanding of what my feelings were and what they were doing to me and the world around me.

I had been such a sucker for a sad story (someone else's story). And I found that I drew women to me who wanted my new and emerging power and strength for themselves. Only they did not want to do the work. And soon the energy and joy was being sucked right out of me. Their attrations was their need for me and it was draining.

Tony would say, “who you hang out with is who you become”. I am an introvert, it was a challenge for me to hang out with women who were more powerful and aware than I. But, I did it anyway. In their circle of light, I began to find my way to my own. And many of the friends who taught me what I did not want soon found their way to their own path, or back to the search for the “right” teacher.

The incredible pull between  “do what is right for me” and “be kind, understanding, forgiving to toxic behavior” is strong. So strong that it has affected my health. 

I had an ER visit yesterday. I was sitting in on a staff meeting, totally awesome  leadership when I suddenly started to feel off. I was feeling some discomfort in my chest and I was burping alot. I drank water and the discomfort would return in about 5 minutes. I started to feel light headed and nauseous and SCARED. I asked a co-worker to take my blood pressure and it was SKY HIGH!! I check my b/p weekly or more because I am on meds for it.

 I instantly started to cry. 

“Not now, not this ( a heart attack?), I have errands to do today!!!” My friend said, “why don’t we walk down to the ER and see what’s going on”.  I was falling apart.

After I was settled in and tests were being done I asked the PA, “what would cause this sudden increase (since there were no signs of any heart attack) and he said, “stress”.  I thought, “I am not stressed, I work part time, I do yoga, I love my abode, my cat, the ferals, my life in the country. I don’t have any stress!” 

Then, I got home. I had a text and I realized, “OH MY GODDESS! This is what it’s about!” So, I spent some more time thinking about this toxic situation that I was trying to understand and move through. 

I want to do the right thing. But for whom!?!?!?!? I have to figure out a way to rewrite the story because the blood pressure thing is as real as a hand grenade (or a heart attack)! I knew when this toxic event was going on that I was feeling it at a level I did not want in my life. And I felt okay after, yet it was there waiting for the best moment to show up -somewhere where I was safe, at work, near the ER. 

By choosing me, I am honoring my boundaries that took me so many years to understand and appreciate. I will always help others but I will not carry them.  I am not responsible for their life choices, their past. I am not a punching bag. I may not be perfect, but I am honorable and worthy of respect. So I choose me. For now, I am choosing present moments as though today is my only day. I am loving the people who love, respect and honor who I am as I will do the same for them. 

                                                              I chose me.

Reflections in their eyes-Ageless Strength comes from Us

 

We are always talking about what it takes to be 'healthy'. As ageless women, we still carry the expectation that we must be buff, beautiful, fit, an elder athlete. We celebrate when we see this in octogenarians running a marathon, biking in the Alps, and so on. I used to think that I would always be athletic. I had a passion for working out, biking, running, snow sports, swimming and yoga from as far back as I can remember.

 The benefit wasn't just being 'healthy' it was how I learned to deal with stress, anger, disappointment and depression. I needed help with those things when I was younger.

 For many years, I worked out in a club 3-5 days a week. I would ride my bike in between or I'd run. As a Traveler, it was how I got to know whatever new city I was working in. I always found a club to work out it and at the worst, bike paths and running paths. I was also driven by the unspoken demands of  a society that said, 'you are not enough, be more'. 

I don't regret the drive to be all that, I just don't miss it much. I see women running or biking and I literally can feel what it felt like, as though I am them. I feel the pull in my quads, the deep breathing, the internal focus, my abs. But, I do not miss it. And I give up beating myself up for it everyday I don't run or ride or work out. We are allowed our phases in life. When we say, "I have done it all", at this age, we have. Our years were not wasted. Our lives as Boomers were learning years. In order to navigate the world of change, we were forced (chose) to grow. To be dramatically different than the lives of our Mothers, at least, that is what we thought. 

Whether we were single, married, divorced, widowed, childless, mothers, we are women of change, of great value and wisdom. If we were given a chance to look back at each year of our earlier lives, there would be a lesson (or five) that we learned by choice or otherwise each year. 

We are here today to recognize the wisdom of the millions of lessons we have learned including the ones we don't give ourselves credit for. And to let go, let loose the hold that these lessons( old beliefs, regrets, resentments) have on us and open up to a more meaningful golden age life.

We are here to be sages, mentors, teachers, coaches for the generations of women who came into this world of confusion, paradoxes and controls. We must stand up and say what we know to be true with confidence. Not just to our daugthers, but to all young women. 

I'll share a story. Many years ago a friend called me from the bathroom of a labor and delivery unit. She was so upset, her youngest daugther was have a baby and she did not know what to do. I said to her, "Look in the mirror, pal. This is the face you are sharing with her right now. The face she needs to see is the warrior women, the natural birth mom. She is looking to you for strength,not fear reflected back." She said two words, "Got it!" We have the strength. It is in all of us!!!

So the next time you feel yourself withdraw, when what you really want to do is step up, do it! There is an incredible power within you to rise up and stand tall. Use it. "Be the change you wish to see." 

They are not looking for their own reflection in our eyes, they are looking for the strength in yours.