A conversation with Self about drinking- while driving

I drove into Hood River (through White Salmon, down the hill, over the bridge, etc) today. As I was driving I started this conversation with my Self. It went something like this:

Self:  If  you're not addicted to alcohol, why do you drink?

I answered: That is a great question! I literally couldn't be happier, so, it's not that I am unhappy or depressed. I live by myself, so no one is leaving underwear on the floor or not cleaning the bathroom or doing their share of the dishes. That's enough for me to celebrate. I don't know, maybe I don't believe that it is so much an addiction as a habit. I know that some days I come home and all I want is a nice cold beer or martini because I have had a distressing day at work. Nothing I won't get over but until I do, I won't be relaxing or sleeping. It's like a short cut to comfort. And a habit-not an addiction. Other days, I sit in front of the fireplace and knit first or give the cat a good rubbing.

Self: Well, then, why not just quit? 

I answered: Well, I have before. And I could, but, not sure why I would. I rarely drink to excess (unless I am around my family and they love to drink together) I do my best not to finish a bottle of Champagne by myself-in the same night. And that is all I am going  to share on that topic. These days there is so much stigma around drinking and guilt. Typical of society to complain and attack the symptoms rather than address the deeper causes. It drives the mild drinkers underground and we tend to lie about it to our doctors. Who wants your medical records to say "drinks 1-5 drinks a day". People read that shit and can form an opinion.

Self: I can see this is an interesting subject for you.

I answered: Well, look around you. Everywhere you look there are vineyards, in fact pretty much every state grows grapes. There are thousands of US labelled wines. I gave up drinking it because it all tastes the same and it will NEVER be the wine that one can get in France or Spain, even Argentina. But, boy it is everywhere.  Whoa! I am way off on a tangent-sorry.

Self: Do you think you drink too much?

I answered: I do not. I have in the past, when I was sad, unhappy, frustrated and angry. I definitely tried to drown my sorrows, but after a while I resented the days I was missing because I was hung over. Self made unwanted time off. I could have been biking , cleaning, anything. Way to much time could be wasted being trashed all the time.

Self: What's changed? 

I answered: I see more. Sounds crazy, I know, but now I have time to actually see the world more closely. And I take more time to get out in it, many times alone, to just get a nature fix. I feel so much gratitude for the blessed life I live and have lived, even the sad times. They all brought me to where I am right now and this is good. Deserves a cocktail!

The end!

Fear and the Committee of Monkeys

I was reviewing my old posts and found one labelled, "Fear". When I opened it, I found that it was blank. Ya gotta love that!

I have so little fear anymore. I have faith. I have faith because all that fear and worry brought me nothing. I am not talking about the fear when hair on the back of your neck stands up or when your inner being says, "this is not right, step away", I am talking about all the fear created in falsehood by the ego. The fear that serves nothing. The fear of things we have no control over (even if we wish we did), fear of future events that may or may not happen, fear of a giant meteor crashing into the surface of the earth. Fear is the retardant of presence. Let me repeat that, FEAR IS THE RETARDANT OF PRESENCE.

We cannot practice presence while in a state of fear. Anxiety disorder is the inability to be present and the Ego's fine job of  broadcasting every little fear you may have ever had or may ever have in the future. Anxiety disorder is a result of not learning or being taught how to cope with ego mind.
I used to call it my committee of monkeys when I finally figured out that it was in my head. Oh the ego had a blast with me. I had the critic monkey, the bitch monkey, the doubt monkey, the monkey of unworthiness, the monkey of successful failure. I began to see them as little goblins on my shoulders, one on one side saying "oh, that was stupid" and the other side "who'd believe you".  Fear was pretty rampant and my steps back then were small, oh let me be truthful, they were teeny, tiny.  The funny thing is when I began to see the fear monkeys on my shoulders, they didn't have as much control of over my head. Some days I could just flick them off. And the more I flicked them off, the less they spoke negatively. Pretty soon there were only one or two of them and they were easy to control.
My mind started to get quiet. I started to meditate for short periods of time. I'd sit on the beach and just get quiet by listening to the birds and waves and smelling the water and feeling the breeze and the sand. When I concentrated on those things my mind relaxed. I felt immeasurably  more peaceful. Even my body relaxed. The committee started saying things like, "wow, this is so sweet". Yep, they began to enjoy this as well. And their language changed. The words they said were words of kindness and encouragement.

With practice I took this exercise everywhere in nature. I meditated on mountain ridges, snowy hillsides, in the woods, while snorkeling and scuba diving (just the getting quiet part), on road trips, sitting in front of the fire, standing in the rain and I welcomed the presence of the world/universe/God into my being. Rare is it that monkeys of old show up. By being present I have diminished the negative power of the ego. It is still there and works to remind me when I am in a negative place. But it no longer controls my thoughts. Fears worthiness in its proper place; there to protect me not consume me.