tasks such as getting up, having coffee, cleaning house. But biking, shopping, visiting, gardening, driving. That first year, I could hardly get out of bed. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about all that had occurred during the passing of my mom, how much I missed her and whether or not I've done everything right. Had I been a good daughter?? Did she know I loved her? Did she love me?
It was a painful time in my life as it is in most daughters lives after their mother's pass. Suddenly our lives and our relationship with our mothers begins to pass through our minds. I think back to moments of being in her lap when I was just a little girl and feeling so secure. I remember my resentment as a teenager to her rules about how I needed to live my life. I remember how disgusted I
was when she gave me the Emily Post book on manners. I remember the day she stepped off the bus in Gainesville on a visit and told me that my friend Karen's dad passed away. And the instant I knew how much Karen was hurting. I remember living in the Caribbean and our late night skinny dips off the end of the boat. I remember all the fabulous places we traveled together. I remember laughing until my stomach hurt at our private jokes.
Near the end I remember the magic moments. Those are the
moments I remember now to get me through the night. I
remember doing a Depok Chopra meditation together while
resting on her bed. I remember brushing her hair and how much
she enjoyed it. It reminded me of when she brushed my hair when
I was a child. I remember how much she enjoyed having me scrub
her back when she showered. And I know how much she
appreciated it all and they were magic moments for her,too.
I also remember all the exasperating moments. I remember how
frustrated I was when she didn't understand what I was talking
about. Or when she got angry for no reason. We had a very
turbulent relationship being both of us goddesses. I felt the guilt of
how I spoke to her at times. And her mean streak. Yet she was so
smart. I was always amazed at what she knew about art and
culture. To go to a museum with her was like being in heaven
together. She was a talented artist. She had been to so many places
in the world. And she was beautiful especially at the end.
Today I hold her close in my heart. I look into my eyes in the
mirror and I see her. And I'm so grateful now. Because of her I am
who I am. And I want to emulate her in so many ways. She
surrounded herself with outstanding people. She had many friends.
It all took baby steps. Just taking one simple task a day and being
proud of being able to do it. Maybe it was just to cook a meal. One
simple task a day and being proud of being able to do it. Maybe it
was just to take a small walk. Maybe to just to get out of bed. And
to be kind to yourself when others don't understand. To give
yourself a break instead of second-guessing everything. To know
that grief is a normal process in life and drugs may not be the
answer to it. Sometimes we just have to grieve. We need to feel it
all the way into our bones because she is in there. Our mothers are
everything about us and we have a right to feel the loss.
I took great comfort in the shower. There I could cry and lament
and let go of some of it in privacy. I could wash away my sadness
for a little while. I talked to God while I was in the shower. I asked
for his forgiveness and his guidance. I'd ask him "why can't I
handle this"?
Today I have so much gratitude for the learning and the love that
has grown from this experience. I wish she was here to share it. I
think she would be proud. In a world where we want answers
immediately , grief is something that is overlooked and under
credited. Take the time feel it, love it and let it go. This is how we
heal from the loss of our mothers. We accept the pain and sorrow.
We allow it so that we can move through it toward the light of
living again in fullness.We just need to take baby steps.
